Two Years

It's been two years since I posted here, and I'm happy to report that we're still doing well. A friend sent me this youtube clip today and I thought I'd post it here. I hope that the LDS Church's campaign to teach young people to avoid pornography makes a difference in the new generation of young men. My Husband's generation was left largely on their own. No one really understood what a plague pornography would become with easy access to it on the internet. I hope awareness and the willingness to talk to our children about it makes our children's lives easier.

For those who are already addicted, clips like these are likely to cause a lot of guilt. We can't look back. Mistakes have been made, and now is the time to look forward, to fix the mistakes, to overcome addictions. You can't do it alone, but you can do it. There are so many resources now to turn to. Get help. The LDS addiction recovery program and support groups can help you. Find some people who you can be accountable to- who will ask you how you are doing regularly.

There is hope.

Welcome to my blog!

I haven't posted anything in quite awhile, I'm happy to report that life feels normal. I'm happy. My husband is doing well. He still has thoughts and temptations come to him, but they are not as strong as they used to be, and he has learned how to avoid strong temptations, and to push them out of his mind when they do come.

Trust is still sometimes an issue, but I'd say I trust 99%, that he is being honest with me about his addiction. I think that there will always be times when I wonder, but so far, when those times have come, we've been able to sit down together and his reassurance has been enough to comfort my fears.

I hope to never need this blog as an outlet again. It was a time in my life when I felt so alone, I felt a heavy burden and didn't know who I could share it with, and this blog allowed me to express myself and also find some friends who were going through similar things. To them, I say thank you. You will never know how much comfort you were to me.

I may not post anymore, but I want readers to know that if you are dealing with a spouse who has a pornography addiction, please, feel free to email me at alliegator321 at gmail dot com. You are not alone. I know the heartache and despair you feel. I also want you to know that there is hope, though you may not feel it now, it is there, and with the help of bishops, counselors (we went to LDS services), support groups, and some good software like SpectorSoft, you can overcome it. It will be difficult, but on the other side there can be more peace and happiness than there was before.

I've copied a few posts that I made at LDSAR.org, a support group for addicts and their families so that all my thoughts are here. May you feel peace and hope as you read my journey, and know that you are not alone.  To read in order from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and work your way up.

In the mail...

This was posted at LDSAR.org on January 11th, 2007.

My husband brought the mail in when he came home from work. He handed me a stack and said, "look at the bottom one". It was a mailer from playboy. He saw it and quickly stuck in in the bottom of the pile to give to me.

It makes me so mad that companies can send junk like that to my house. I don't even know what I can do about it. I've gotten Victoria Secret stuff before, but I was able to look online and find a phone number to call to get those stopped. I don't want to go to the playboy website.

Is there any way to get things like that stopped? We got a mailer for some other nasty male magazine several months ago.

I'm wondering if ESPN sells their subscriber lists.

I did just discover that there is a form you can fill out at the post office to stop sexually explicit mail from being sent to you. If you get anything after you have signed up, the company will be fined. It's form 1500 at the post office. You can download it from the USPS website. Here's a link:

http://www.usps.com/forms/_pdf/ps1500.pdf

My own kind of relapse

This was posted at LDSAR.org on December 5th, 2006.

I kept hoping that it would pass, but it seems to just be getting worse and worse.

My husband is doing really well, I guess. He says he is, and part of me believes him. A little part of me is making up all sorts of stories about what he is lying about.

I hate it. I hate that I am doubting him. I hate that he is viewing it as "my problem" (even though it is- it goes back to the "he owes me" feeling I guess).

I think he is doing okay, and so he doesn't see why he needs to keep telling me every day that he is doing okay. I just feel like I need to hear about constant improvement or something to feel like he's really okay.

I guess I know what needs to change in my own life to get over this relapse that I am having. I need to make time for the things that are really important. I need to have more meaningful prayers and work at strengthening my relationship with Heavenly Father. It's amazing how fast we let ourselves slip away from him.

Feelings of debt?

This was posted at LDSAR.org on November 20th, 2006.

Josh's blog (a post at LDSAR.org) on gratitude made me think of this... For a long time, my husband was so grateful to me for supporting him and loving him even though he had hurt me so much. He was always doing sweet things for me to let me know that he appreciated me.

I know he still is grateful, but I guess it's not reasonable to expect him to be showing that gratitude everyday for the rest of our lives.

Lately it has been hard for me to not bring up his past wrongs (not to him, just in my own mind) when thinking of how I want him to act.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. I know it's not fair for me to expect him to grovel or constantly be doing things to "make up" for hurting me though. I guess I haven't totally forgiven him. I told him that I did, and I really want to, but I'm having a hard time letting go of this feeling that I have some "right" to control him or have certain expectations of him.

How do you overcome that?

I have learned...

This was posted at LDSAR.org on October 20th 2006.

I was replying to another post and mentioned how going through this experience with my husband has changed me. Mostly for the better, I think. Not that I would choose to go through it all again if I could avoid it, but we don't get to choose our trials, we just get to choose what we learn from them.

What have you learned?

I have learned that good men struggle. We all have our weaknesses, but they don't have to define who we are.

I've learned that repentance is not about punishment, it's about finding peace, and being able to let go of the things we do that cause pain to others and to ourselves.

I have learned that no one escapes pain and sorrow in this life, no matter how perfect they may look from the outside.

I have learned that we can't afford to NOT do the little things, and I have learned that those "things" truly bring us peace and happiness.

I have learned to trust Heavenly Father. I believe that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father loves me and that things will turn out okay.

The greatest thing, to me, about the gospel is that it is a gospel of hope. We are not perfect, but we have hope for the future.

Going to the Temple together...

This was originally posted at LDSAR.org, but I have decided I'd like to have all my thoughts in one place. It was posted on October 16, 2006.

Te got his temple recommend back last week. We were able to go to the temple together this last saturday for the first time in a long time.

I had been a few times without him and it made me so sad to be there, that it was hard to make it through the session.

Sitting in the celestial room with him talking about our experiences felt so good. I know that there will always be temptations, and we will always have to be on guard, but it feels good to have hope for the future.

The next goal is for him to be able to bless our baby after it is born in April.

It's been a long time...

It's been quite awhile since I posted here. It's actually been quite awhile since I posted anything at the LDSAR website.

It has been a year or so since my husband has acted on his addiction. I know he is still tempted at times, maybe more than he tells me, but he's not letting his addiction control him anymore.


I was just reading back through some of the comments people left on this blog, and I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for helping me through a very difficult time in my life. Thank you for making me feel like my journey was able to help you in yours.

Oh- and if you are wondering about what happened to Sophie- that's me too. (I really like the name Sophie but I didn't want to sign up for another gmail address- and this "new blogger" makes you have a gmail address, so now I'm Alice.)

Moving the Blog

I haven't felt the need to post as often as I used to. I'm hoping that's because life goes on, and challenges which once seemed all-consuming no longer feel that way. Things are going well. There may be set backs, although I hope not, but we'll just keep going. It seems like that's all any of us can do, no matter what challenges we might face.

We can always choose to keep going or give up, and giving up doesn't seem like much fun. What do you do after you give up? Sit there doing nothing. Wallowing.

I don't think so.

Anyway, life is good, never easy, but definitely worthwhile.

I've had copies made of all my posts and had them posted at LDSAR or LDS Addiction Recovery. It's a website set up for those who are dealing with pornography addictions and spouses/family members. There are 19 members right now, and it keeps growing. I'm excited to be a part of it. Most of my posting will probably be over there now. You can still see all my posts, just click on my member name (Sophie).

Our church leaders keep warning us about the dangers of pornography, but do we listen? There were times when Te felt he would never be able to overcome his addiction. He felt like it controlled him and he was helpless. We are never helpless unless we choose to be. Life is full of struggles, but we have the ability to do hard things. I am so proud of Te. There have been days when he comes home looking like he has "been through the ringer", and he has. It has not been easy, but he has chosen to let Heavenly Father help him strengthen him so that he has the desire and the ability to live a life that he controls instead of a life that controls him.

Checking in...

Te had an appointment with the Bishop on Sunday. He got his temple recommend back, so we're planning on going saturday. What a nice feeling it is to be able to go with him.

As much as I would like to say that the battle is over, I know that it isn't. We'll just keep doing the things we have been doing. Reading our scriptures together (we just finished the book of mormon for the 2nd time in our marriage and are starting again), praying together and having regular family home evenings.

Te will keep going to the support group meetings. He has a couple of friends there and hopes to be able to help other people get to where he is (plus, he'd like to avoid sliding back into old habits, and the meetings are helpful).

The Bookmark

One year in college I had a roommate who gave me a bookmark. On the front in big fancy lettering is spelled the word FAITH and below that it says: In the Lord Jesus Christ.

I've used it for years to mark my place in my scripture reading. On the back my roommate wrote "Faith without Fear" and 4 scriptures.

The first is Psalm 27 Here are the first and line lines from that passage:

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Next is 2 Timothy 1:7-8. 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

Third is Ether 12:4. 4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

And Last: D&C 27:15-18 I'm not going to post this scripture here since it is longer than the others and can't be taken apart to shorten what I post. It's the scripture that talks about putting on the armor of God.

Te has said that there have been some tough times lately. I was gone wednesday evening and he was home alone. I worried about him after the kids were in bed. He said it was really hard, but he just tried to stay busy. It makes me sad that being alone is so hard for him. I get an evening home alone and I can read or just relax. Wednesday night when I came home he looked angry and worn out.

It isn't easy. I am glad he is still trying. I have been afraid lately that he will decide to stop trying. I don't have any reason to think he would, other then seeing how much it wears him out to be constantly fighting this battle. Good days at work are days where he comes home exhausted from being so busy instead of exhausted from fighting.

I can't live my life in fear of what might happen. When I was thinking about that, I remembered the bookmark. I've never actually gone and looked up each scripture my roommate wrote on the back before. What a comfort it was to read those words. It's funny how something from so long ago, and something so little, can bring peace. I'm doing the best I can to live the way that I know I should. I'm trying to do the little things that I know are so important. I have faith that things will be okay. I have faith that my family will be together forever, so why do I fear?

Fear is a little like sin. You wallow in it, just a bit, and before you know it, you're stuck in so far that you don't see any hope of getting out. I need to do the thing I ask Te to do. When he feels tempted, I want him to pray. He doesn't have to face temptation alone, and I don't need to face fear alone.

The Count

Te met with the bishop yesterday. I can't even imagine all of the stuff that a bishop has to deal with. He has his own life to deal with, and then he gets to deal with all the junk from all the people who are having problems around him too.

Part of me has always felt bad that Te and I were adding to the burdens that our bishop's have had to deal with, and the other part of me has been so grateful to them for all they have done.

The bishop told Te to not feel worldly sorrow, which would only lead him to discouragement, but that he should feel Godly sorrow, which would lead him to become closer to Heavenly Father and not try to do this on his own.

Today Te said he had a temptation come to his mind, and instead of just trying to push it aside, he prayed. It's a small victory, but it feels good.

No one has to struggle through life on their own.

I've decided I'm not counting good days anymore, at least not for now. We've gone since the end of May, with one relapse in there. The relapse was upsetting and sad, but it doesn't undo all the good days that came before it.

Life is still good.

Real Life

I have two blogger accounts. One for this blog, and one for my "real life" blog. A few weeks ago I posted using this account on a "real life" account. It's happened before, but usually I catch it right when I do it. This time it stayed all weekend.

I have thought about deleting this blog, but the idea of doing that makes me sad. This has been such a good outlet for me, and I really don't want to lose it. I could start a new blog, but I've found a support group here.

After much thought, and a little discussion with Te, I've decided to keep this blog. Yes, Te has an addiction. It has been a real struggle, as you can see if you've read much of my blog. It's not a fun thing to deal with, but it's real and we are determined to overcome it.

There are setbacks, and there are victories. I think that is the case for any addiction.

For those of you who know me in real life, I hope that you do not feel uncomfortable with your new knowledge. If you do, please don't read this blog anymore. Te and I are both willing to talk privately to anyone who wants to discuss pornography addiction in a respectful way.

Te is a good man who is working very hard to overcome something that is very hard to overcome.

If our experience helps one person to come forward with their own addiction, or helps one spouse feel able to keep going, it will all have been worth it.

Personal Purity

The young women lesson I taught on sunday was on personal purity. Here are the highlights:

Thunderous applause filled the concert hall. One of the world’s greatest violinists had just completed his final selection of the evening’s program. Eagerly, a woman made her way to the stage in hopes of expressing her admiration to this great artist. Threading her way through the crowd, she finally reached him. Shaking his hand, she said exuberantly, “Oh, I’d give my life if I could play like that!” He promptly responded, “Madam, I have!”

Much of what we do or do not do in life is determined by our ability to discipline ourselves. This discipline includes doing things that are hard or difficult as well as not doing other things.

“One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it.” ~Terrance D. Olson

Some things about our bodies are easy to control, and others are more difficult. For example, we have good control over our fingers. If we tell one of our fingers to bend, it bends. If we tell it to unbend, it unbends. If we give our feet an order, they obey immediately. Suggest that we can also learn to choose which thoughts we will entertain, and thus learn to channel our thoughts in positive, constructive directions.

Many people do not believe they can control their thoughts and discipline themselves. But our minds can concentrate on only one thought at a time. We can exert control over our thoughts by choosing to think a different one. Some feel this kind of discipline is unnecessary, too difficult, or not worth the effort.

“Some become enslaved with compulsive habits or yield to appetites or to improper actions, and plead that they are helpless before their habit—that they are compelled, persuaded; that temptation was stronger than their will to resist. But we can choose. … We can break bad habits; we can acquire good habits; we can choose what we think by the sheer determination to do so.” ~Richard L. Evans

Acknowledge that it is hard to control ourselves, but it is something we can learn to do. Our Father in Heaven has told us to keep our thoughts, appetites, and emotions within certain bounds. As our Father, he would not ask us to do something that we are not capable of doing. We are his children. We have the capacity to become like him.

Whether we are learning to play a musical instrument, trying to control our temper, or making ourselves get up when we would rather sleep longer, our efforts to discipline ourselves in any aspect of our lives can help us in our efforts to live a virtuous life.

“A missionary serving in the eastern United States was confronted by a college student who was less interested in the [gospel] message than in the missionary’s strict moral code. The student sneeringly asked the missionary how he controlled his desires when there were so many beautiful girls around, implying that the missionary must not [have normal feelings]. The elder explained: ‘It is not that I am abnormal; it is that I know I am responsible and in charge of mind and body. You think you are helpless in the face of your desires. You think you are a victim of them. I have proven to myself that I am the master of those feelings’. ” ~Terrance D. Olson

Being morally clean and virtuous requires physical restraint and self-control. As we exercise self-discipline, we strengthen our spirit’s control over our body. Our capacity to control ourselves increases every time we make a choice to do it.

Last night Te came home from his support group meeting, and told me that he had acted out saturday night. I was hurt that he hadn't told me about it sooner, but one day is much sooner than what he has managed in the past. I was really sad for him. He felt awful. We talked about how we teach youth to have a plan. Decide now whether you are going to smoke or not, or date before you are 16, then when you are confronted, you have already made your choice and it is much easier to avoid getting into trouble. We talked about how he can decide now what he will do next time it is late at night and he can't sleep. He will wake me up. He's already decided so that next time he doesn't have to think about what he will do.

I remember our counselor said that sometimes relapses will happen, and that is important not to dwell on them so much that it makes it hard to "start over". We're just continuing on.

Te really wants to overcome this. I know he does. It's just not easy.

I was kind of upset for awhile, and immediately after he told me, I had the thought "I don't want to do this again" speed through my mind. I think it's satan trying to make me give up. When I stopped and said a prayer, I realized that the relapse was much less serious than past relapses have been (not that that excuses it), Te didn't get on the computer or turn on the TV, and he told me about it the next day. He could have kept it in and lied to me about it, but he didn't. It's progress.

Peace

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:26-27

I think everyone would like to feel peace in their lives. My church published a gospel reference book called True To The Faith (it's a really good, easy to understand guide to all sorts of topics) anyway, the True to the Faith book says something interesting about peace. The mere absence of conflict is not enough to bring peace to our hearts. Peace comes through the gospel—through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the ministration of the Holy Ghost, and our own righteousness, sincere repentance, and diligent service.

Even when the world is in turmoil all around you, you can receive the blessing of inner peace. This blessing will continue with you as you stay true to your testimony of the gospel and as you remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and watch over you.

I have said before that sometimes I don't want to have to deal with Te's addiction. I want to wish it away and never think about it again. Besides being impossible, wishing away the struggles I deal with will not guarantee the peace I am in search of. I think that turning to the Lord, and letting him help me through this has been a huge blessing in my life. It has made me realize that it's okay to admit that I can't do everything on my own. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but I don't need to let that feeling consume me. I can turn to Heavenly Father. I can become closer to him, and he will lighten the load that I have to carry. He will bring peace to my soul even when there is so much around me that could drive peace away.

No one has a guarantee of an easy life. I think it's safe to say that we are all guaranteed struggles of some sort. I truly believe that if we are obedient to the commandments that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we can avoid so much pain. He has provided a road map to return to him. All we have to do is obey. Every time we step off the path, we cause ourselves extra pain and extra struggles. It's not necessary. That's not to say that staying on the path will preserve us from challenges. Life is hard, but we can make it easier if we are obedient.

I've been having a hard time thinking about that in relation to Te. He made bad choices. He has caused himself, and his family so much unnecessary pain, but his bad choices started at such a young age that it seems unfair to blame him for something that he felt was out of his control for so long. What a blessing to have the atonement. I have always been grateful that the savior, a real person, would choose to go through so much suffering to give people like Te (and people like me) a chance to change.

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:26-27

More good days

We had a nice labor day weekend. I spent some time alone with Te's mom. We were camping, and I was helping her make dinner one afternoon. She asked how things were going. I think she would like to feel more involved. The sisters-in-law have our discussions about things, but she has been left out a little bit.

I told her that things were going well. I told her about my experience with Te where I was really nervous, and told him that I couldn't handle being lied too again right now, so if there was anything he needed to tell me, to please do it now, and how he said that he had nothing to hide. (sorry about the run on sentence...)

That made her feel good, and she told me several times how glad she was that I was sticking with him and being so understanding. I think she is really afraid that one of the daughters-in-law would divorce her son because of their addiction. I told her that it was hard sometimes, but that I loved Te, and that we were working on things. I said that there is never a guarantee that life will be easy. There's no guarantee that life would be any better without Te, and I do think that it would be much harder in many ways.

Life doesn't need to be better. It's pretty good right now. We've had a long weekend of good days too add to the collection.

Talked out...

On Rufus' blog, he mentioned feeling talked out sometimes.

You may have noticed that I will post several posts and then go awhile without posting anything. That's why. I talk about it with Te. I talk about it with my sisters-in-law. I talk about it on my blog. Sometimes I just want to not talk about it, so I take breaks. Thanks for sticking with me even when I don't post regularly. I appreciate everyone's support. It is amazing to me that there are other people in my same situation who have started blogs recently. It's nice to have this extra support group. I feel like you are all good friends that I have known for a long time, instead of strangers on the internet.

I've been worried about Te since school started. He's been so busy and sleep deprived that we haven't had a chance to talk much. We have been reading the scriptures together every day though, and praying together most every day. On the days we miss, I call him and ask him if he said his own prayer, and tell him that I did too.

Last night we were able to talk for a little while and I told him that I didn't know if I could handle him lying to me anymore. Between being hormonal and pregnant, not feeling well, and not getting enough sleep, I just feel like I'm at a breaking point. I told him if he had anything he needed to tell me, to please tell me now, because I can't handle being lied to right now.

He looked at me with a sweet smile, and said that he had nothing to hide from me. A wave of relief rushed through me. I believe him. He's been busy, and stressed, but he really wants to overcome his addiction. I want to get to a point where I don't doubt him so much. I guess it will just take time. And constant repeating of "trust in the lord..." I say that a lot to myself.

He is such a good man. We just had our 7th anniversary, and I am so glad to have my life with him. He is my best friend. He puts up with an amazing amount from me, for which I am grateful. :)

I love you Te.

Trust Issues

Te did not do as well reporting to me this week. I think it's just hard for him to report details when he feels like he is doing okay.

He talked to the bishop on sunday and came home to tell me about it and one of the things he said was that he told the bishop that this week has been really hard. He's had some really strong, random attacks. He didn't act on them thankfully, but he said it was really hard.

It kind of bothered me that he didn't tell me about them when they happened. I think he recognizes that I need to know about that sort of thing, life's just been a little crazy with his school schedule. Between that and having rushed mornings trying to get our son to school on time, we haven't been praying together every morning. When he is gone to school at night, I'm often asleep (or really out of it) when he gets home, so we don't read our scriptures or pray together on those nights.

I'm starting to think that not only are those things helpful for him to control his temptations, but they are necessary for me to avoid doubting him so much. I called him at work three times today to make sure he was doing okay. I've just gotten really nervous that he is hiding something from me, and I don't like feeling this way.

At his appointment with the bishop, the bishop assigned him to write down why he wants to change, what his goals are, and what his testimony means to him. He said that as soon as Te does that, they can meet again to talk about the next step of his recovery.

Today I was thinking about that and had this scripture come into my head: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Maybe I don't feel completely able to trust him all the time, but I can trust the Lord. I need to pray and read the scriptures even when Te is not home to do it with me. I'm not just changing habits to help him, I'm changing my habits too, because I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.

Knowing I can always trust Heavenly Father brings me a huge sense of peace.

Back to school

Yesterday was Te's first night of school. He came home from work, ate dinner with us and left. He got home late. This is going to be a rough 2 years. He's gone again tonight, but today he came home from work a little earlier and had a nap while I sat with him on the couch. He had eaten a really late lunch with his boss at work so he wasn't hungry. He left while the kids and I were eating dinner. He cooked for us though. I feel bad about whining to him about how lousy I feel, but he's been really good about it. It's his pregnancy too I guess, share the misery. :)

Right now the kids are in the bath because while I wasn't watching, they spread ketchup all over themselves (which I'll admit is funny, but less so when you are the one that has to clean it up and your sense of smell is magnified 1000 times and ketchup smells really nasty- but it's my fault...I should never have left them alone with the jumbo ketchup bottle).

The kids go to bed pretty early, so we really only have another hour or so until bedtime, this might be a long bath.

Te said he had a good day at work today. A few minor thoughts, but nothing that was difficult for him to move past. He was pretty busy all day, which always helps.

He said that the way his classes are organized, he doesn't have a chance to get into trouble on the internet, so that's good. I was a little concerned about that, which is why we have the spectorsoft program on his laptop.

Another good day.

Priesthood Blessings

Te and I are expecting our third child. We actually put off trying for a month or so since that was the time I found out about his last relapse and was a little upset. After Te had seen the bishop, and gone to the support group, and I had time to calm down, I felt like I was ready for another baby, and that I wouldn't be risking another child's chance at a two-parent home.

Anyway, I have been sick. Not throw-up constantly sick, but I-wish-I-could-just-throw-up-because-I-would-feel-better sick. I hate throwing up, so that is a huge thing.

Last night I really wanted Te to give me a blessing, and he couldn't. It was really hard, and I cried until Te, who was trying to be supportive, started saying "it's okay, let it all out, go ahead and cry", which made me laugh.

I told Te this morning why I was crying last night and I think it made him feel really bad, but we agreed that as soon as he is able to, he will give me a blessing.

I can hardly wait.

We've had enough good days that I've lost count.

Roller Coaster

The longer that Te stays away from pornography, the better I feel. The better I feel, the more nervous I get. The times I have caught him in the past have always followed fairly closely to me telling myself, "boy is life good, I am so happy".

I like the ride up. No relapses is a really nice thing, but unlike a real roller coaster, the ride down is not fun. I don't want to do it again. I guess I am just so used to the crashing down part, that it's hard to remember that life doesn't HAVE to come with that part.

Last night Te went to the support group for the first time in a month or so (because of traveling). He said it was good. I asked him if anybody missed him and he said no. There are so many people that come and go, that they don't really notice who is there and who is missing, which seems really sad. First, that there are so many people who go once and then stop going, and second that there are so many people there period, that people don't know each other better.

Te made some notes about viewing women as sex objects and how he still really struggles with that. It's hard to read about things like that, but I guess when you are exposed to pornography for so long, it gets ingrained. He said that his goal this week is to study topics like "divine nature", "individual worth", and others that were not in the young women theme, so I can't remember them off hand.

I think I mentioned his new lap top that he got for school. I am not familiar with how PC's work, but I was still able to find where to set the parental controls. (maybe I mentioned it already...) EDITED TO ADD: Well, the parental controls don't work. If he's using firefox, they don't block out anything (not that he tried any bad sites) and with Internet Explorer he can't open any website at all (because they are not rated or something).

Te also said that he signed a contract with the school, that they can check his computer (or anyone in the program's computer) and if there is anything questionable that could damage the computer he will get kicked out of his program. I guess that's a little extra motivation to not use that laptop for pornography.

Perserverence

Today in sunday school, the lesson was on Job. There were some things about Job and the way he dealt with his trials that seemed applicable to people struggling with addictions.

Even at his lowest point, Job did not give up. Job 23:10-12 says: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined. Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips, I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food. Job stayed strong and committed to obeying the Lord even when he must have felt worthless and forsaken. I think it's interesting that Job recognized that all of his trials would make him stronger as long as he stayed true to the things he believed.

In Job 1, he loses his oxen and ass, then he loses his sheep, and his camels, and finally his children. After all of this he mourned, but did not blame God for his afflictions. Even Job's friends thought that he must have done something horrible to be punished in such a huge way, so they deserted him too.

Job's afflictions were not punishment for a wrong he had committed, they were a test to strengthen him.

I don't think addictions can be viewed as something that necessarily strengthens us, I think it's the fighting to overcome the addiction that strengthens us. Te could have continued forever in his addiction without ever growing or learning anything from it. It's now that he is fighting it that he feels the help from Heavenly Father. He has learned to rely on Heavenly Father instead of his own strength. How many years went by with him telling himself that he could do it himself, and that he didn't need to upset me by telling me about his problem? It never worked. He had to let go of the pride he had and admit that he needed help. A lot of it.

It won't be easy. Job's trials were not easy, but look at what happened when he stayed strong and faithful. Job 42:12 says that the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning. I truly believe that if Te stays strong and never gives up, but continues to trust in Heavenly Father, that he will end like Job, with an end greater than the beginning.

“Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” --Russell M. Nelson

This is a letter that Te typed up for his brothers. They have started their own support group and have decided to use the 12 steps provided by the church's addiction recovery program. Here is his take on step one (it's reading things like this that really give me hope)... I have edited it for typos (he loves it when I do that) and shortened it a little, although not much- it's still long, but worth reading.

This is my third time in trying to overcome this addiction. It has not been a fun way of overcoming. In retrospect, I don’t think that I ever was fully committed to stopping my addiction. There were things in my life in which I didn’t want to give up. Even after talking with our counselor, and “finishing” my progress with him, I still had a “longing” for my addiction. It was not fun to live a double life – and that was exactly what it was. I was telling Soph and everyone else around me that life was awesome – peachy, dandy, wonderful, great. But in reality, I was lying and not admitting the truth to myself – I WAS AN ADDICT! Nah, I can stop anytime I want – just go straight cold turkey and be good. It wasn’t that addictive. But the cycle would continue to go around and around. I would just go back and have the same feelings over and over. I would get an urge, seek out the computer, view pornography, feel ashamed, depressed, and then say the same thing over – I CAN CONQUER THIS THING! But the path kept on getting larger and larger.

This path had worn such a print on my brain that it is now immediate. I can feel those urges coming and I feel those some thought rush through my head – I HAVE TO FIND A COMPUTER. Those tendencies, in retrospect, surrendered my freedom to choose. I was less productive throughout the day, I spent way too much time on my computer, I didn’t complete tasks on time. I look at how many hours were wasted in viewing pornography and puke at the thoughts. What a complete waste of my life. MY life truly was not mine to control. It was under another influence. It was secretive and it was a problem that only I faced. It was mine to deal with, and so I had to do it all by myself.

But even as many people talked about it at church, the bishop, the EQ pres, the YM pres, or even at general conference from president Hinckley or some of the other people who gave talks, it didn’t affect me like it should. The spirit didn’t touch my heart like it should have been touched. But even with pointed counsel of talking to one’s bishop about the problem, I still had the misguided thought – “I can conquer this myself.” My freedom to choose was compromised.
Most days I don’t wake up and say to myself, “I am an addict.” But sometimes when I do go to work and sit at the computer for extended periods of time, I continually have to watch over myself and say that – “I am an addict.”

Again, in retrospect, I was too prideful to admit the obvious. Maybe it was the absence of the spirit to help me when I needed, but again that was my fault, too. “I am an addict” isn’t that hard to say but to mean is something more – at least to me. My title says, “addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” I had to think about that statement a while when I read it. It surrenders any hope of me subjecting myself to God’s will. The more that I get to know the entire 12-step process, it is just an extensive repentance process. This step basically says that I cannot do things by myself. I need more help. I need Soph’s help, I need you guys’ help, I need the help from my bishop, I need the help from the other guys in my support group, But more than anything, I need the help from Heavenly Father. How much of my life was spent doing everything that Heavenly Father did not want me to do – not having his spirit with me at all. It was horrible. I hide myself in a rock from the thought. It is just an excruciating thought that I want to let go forever.

I can say that this time is different. I know that Soph hates that saying. “How can you say that?” she would ask. Because this time I admit everything. I am an addict. I cannot and will not change unless I submit myself to Heavenly Father’s will. I have to say that. It is kind of corny, but saying, “I am an addict” does have some significance. It carries weight. It is admitting that you cannot control something. Think about that a little. You cannot control. All our lives, we want control. Whether it is to eat whatever we want, pick the cartoon we ant to see on Saturday morning, pick whatever we want to wear for school, when to wake up – we want control. We want to be able to control ever aspect of our life. But when you admit that you are an addict, what exactly are you doing? You are admitting that you cannot control your life. You are submitting your will to someone else’s. You are turning over a new leaf. You are becoming a new creature.

Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and…becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…wiling to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

You know, some times my son wants to drink root beer every meal, in between meals, and right before bed. He wants to watch TV all the time and wear some funny looking things to church. Do we as parents let him do those things? Soph and I as parents have certain rules in which he needs to submit. He does them, most of the time grudgingly, but he does do them. We need to do the same thing. Although it may be grudgingly, we still need to do some things that we may not want to do.
At first, in talking with my counselor and Soph, he asked why I was changing. What was the reason for me wanting to stop view pornography? I told him that it was almost all for Soph. I could not see her look at me any other way other than a wonderful husband. But now, that is only part of my reason. I want to change for me, myself, and my family. I want to have an eternal family and Soph can’t do that by herself, nor me by myself, but together.

So I want to change, I have to change, and the first step in becoming a new creature is admitting to myself, to you all, and to Heavenly Father that I am an addict. I cannot change by myself and I need help. I need your help. I need Soph’s help. I need Heavenly Father’s help. I need help. I cannot do it by myself.

I married a good man. A good man with a major problem, but still, a very good man.

Surges

Te has not had a relapse since May, I think. We've been traveling a lot this summer, so he hasn't really had a chance to get on a computer by himself. Now that he is back at work regularly, I'm nervous. I ask him every day, and he tells me most days, that it "wasn't a problem today". Somedays he tells me that it was hard, but he changed what he was doing or just "let go of the impulse". I think it makes me more nervous when he tells me that it wasn't a problem. It makes me wonder if he is lying about it. My nervousness seems to come in surges. Something will happen which makes me feel confident that he is being honest and that he's still fighting, and then he doesn't struggle as much at work, which makes me nervous. I guess I should be glad that he is not constantly being bombarded by temptations, but this whole situation really stinks. :)

I'm pretty sure I believe him. I want to believe him. He says that this time he really feels like it's something that he has to do for himself, for his own salvation, instead of just not wanting to hurt me. I hope that is true.

He's starting graduate school next week, and for the program, he gets a new laptop. Wonderful, like we need another computer that he has sole access too, and he will have it at school with him in the evenings. I'm very nervous. His work computer has the Spectorsoft program on it, so I can check what he has been looking at. His work laptop (don't ask me why we have so many computers...we keep inheriting them) has parental controls set on in so that he can only get online to a specific set of websites that I have pre-approved. I don't think he can change the controls without my password, which he would never guess because it is so random. :)

I think we're going to get the spectorsoft program on his new laptop too. A caution for him, and a huge relief for me.

Visitors

I noticed there are some new people visiting my blog. Don't be shy, speak up.

I know pornography addiction can be a difficult thing to talk about, but I can't tell you how cathartic it has been for me to be able type out my thoughts and set them free into cyberspace.

I hope that the things I say are helpful to others, and I can guarantee you, that should anyone choose to comment here, It would help me.

It's always nice to be reminded that we are not alone, that other people feel what we feel and struggle with the things we struggle with.

Te forwarded an email to me that one of his brothers had sent to him, and it mentioned his mom feeling really guilty about not preventing pornography addictions in her sons. Here's part of the email I sent her:

I just want you to know that I love you and don't want you to feel responsible. As parents we can always second guess ourselves and think maybe things would have been different if we had done certain things. Maybe they would have, and maybe they wouldn't have. I don't think anyone had any idea of how serious this problem would be back when the internet was new. You were and are a wonderful mother (and grandmother), and I am so thankful for the way you raised Te. He is a good, kind man. He knows how to work hard, and he knows what is right.

He may have problems choosing what is right in this one area, but he knows that it isn't what he wants for his life, and we are working on it (and it's been two months of good days now!).

I just wanted you to know that I do not blame you for Te's problems. I love you and am grateful to be a part of your family.

And part of her reply:

Your note makes me feel so much better. We parents take on so much of our children's grief and problems. I wonder what I should have done differently in raising my family. I contiinue to wonder if I'm doing the right things. I think I did the best I could under the circumstances and given the same set of circumstances, I probably wouldn't do anything differently. So, I guess I did the best I could. Thank you so much for understanding.

Thanks, too, for loving Teague. We couldn't have ordered a better wife for him. You are just what he needs and he does need you. He loves you so much and I know he wants to do what's right. I pray for you both. I pray that your heart will heal and you can feel trust and confidence. I pray that Teague will live worthy of your trust. I know he can do it. I appreciate
your patience with him.

Thanks again for the lovely note. I love you.

I have a really good mother-in-law, and I feel bad that she is dealing with this kind of all at once. When I married Te, I asked her how she had managed to raise so many good, spiritual men, and she said "I was blessed". I still think she was blessed. Her sons are all good men, with varying degrees of a serious problem. It just goes to show, that even "perfect-looking" families have problems. No one is free from pain or sorrow. I am grateful for the gospel that teaches us to hope for what we may not be able to accomplish right now. If we put our trust in our Heavenly Father, he will bless us and help us to reach the things we cannot reach on our own.

Family

Te and I had a chance to talk with his family over the weekend. All but one brother and his wife were able to participate in the conversations, which was really nice since all the brothers have had issues with pornography to some extent.

The sisters-in-law had a really good discussion. We were all walking down the road in the campground and I was on the end. I looked over and it was really neat to see these other women. We all have different colored hair, we're all different heights, and we all come from different backgrounds, and I looked at those women and thought how talented each of them are, and what a wonderful group of women I have the privilege of being related to.

We sat down and started with a prayer and then talked about things that we have found helpful in dealing with our husbands addictions. We also talked about warning signs that we can look to know if our husbands are in trouble.

Te had a chance to talk to his parents and brothers also. I hope that they can be a good support group for each other.

Percentages

The other night, Te and I were talking about how his week went while I was gone. He was supposed to keep a daily log for me to read when I got home, but he didn't. He did write me the nice email, since when I got home, he was gone for a couple of days.

I was sure glad to see him when he got back! (although I had a really nice saturday all by myself...I went shopping and actually got to try on clothes without kids trying to escape under the dressing room door... and I went to the temple, I think I mentioned that already....It was a nice day (and I ran 6 MILES!!!!))

ANYWAY, Te and I were talking, and he said that he's just not doing it anymore, he doesn't want to want to, and that he has nothing to hide from me, and that it feels really good to him that he can say that. He has nothing to hide... I need to check his computer records at work. He asked where my trust-level was at. I said 60%. In all other areas, I trust him, he's just lied to me too many times about his addiction for me to trust him much more than that.

I'd like to, and I think he appreciates that.

We've had a month and a half of good days.

The light of the body is the eye.

I was gone for a few days this week, and when I got home, I found this email from Te:

Well, as you can tell, I didn’t keep a daily log of my attacks and triumphs. And that is what they were. They were all triumphs. I felt really bad quite few times as I kept on thinking about it and the attacks just kept on getting stronger and stronger. I imagine it was probably the worst that I have had. By the end of each day, though, I was pretty much wasted, so thinking about it going to bed wasn’t very bad. It was bad, though, but I was just too tired. I think one night, [my brothers] called so that got me through most of the night. They got to talking about buying a tire, so I got online and checked out the prices and tires that they had. Well, of course that was a big distraction, especially when they hung up. But I didn’t give way to temptation. I just let it go and turned off the machine.

I did play a computer game one night, but that was it. I didn’t go on the internet, though I was tempted pretty highly to do so. To tell you the truth, I was probably playing with fire. I wasn’t doing anything that was even remotely close to falling, but I wasn’t avoiding the falling situation either. Reading every night helped. I knew that you were reading, even if you weren’t reading the right chapter. That first night was the best. I love the sermon on the mount and those verses in there were really good and meaningful to me. I am not sure if you read what I did, as we talked earlier, but what I read really made me think. “You cannot serve God and mammon.” I am either doing one or the other. It isn’t half way. That was really helpful.

Then your note to me made me smile. Knowing that you were praying for me, and saying that you knew that I could do it. That meant a lot to me. I knew that I was going to miss you, but I didn’t think that I would miss you as much as I did. I really did miss talking to you, having you be there when I got home. I just missed being around you. I love you so much. There was one time, when I said to myself, “You know what? I have been good for so long, I deserve a ‘break’ and just do it for a little bit.” Man, that was one hard one to overcome. But then I thought, “you cannot serve God and mammon.” How true that is.

Anyway, I love you very much. You mean everything to me. I miss you so much and I can’t wait until I get to see you again.

Love
Te

It was hard to be away, and I was really worried about how he would do home alone, but I think I mostly trust him when he said that he did okay.

I went to the temple yesterday, and it was so hard to sit there knowing that Te couldn't be there with me.

While I was away, one of the scriptures I read was 3 Nephi 13:22 The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. I love that scripture. If we keep our eyes focused on the things of God, we will not be distracted by the things of the world. We will have Heavenly Father's spirit with us, because we have chosen to focus on him. I hope that by focusing on the things of God, Te can have his body filled with light. I hope he can keep his eyes focused on our long-term joy and not be distracted by temptations of temporary satisfaction.

Panic Attacks and Scriptures

I've been having some sort of panic attacks lately. I really want to believe Te. I want to believe that he is being honest about wanting to overcome his addiction, but a small part of me wonders if he's just pretending. Trust is a really difficult thing to rebuild. Especially when it has been broken so many times. I trust him in all other areas, but this one, I just don't.

I don't have any specific reason for panicking recently. I haven't found anything on his computer or anything. Maybe it has something to do with him being tired of reporting every single detail to me. Lately he's just been saying "everything is fine" and then I have to really push to get details. I don't want to have to push. Most every detail I have discovered about his addiction was discovered because I pushed. I'm not sure if there's any information he volunteered on his own. It was a lie at every opportunity. We talked about that this morning for a little while, so hopefully he'll volunteer more information again. Even though he feels like he is repeating himself (over and over and over...) when he tells me how things went at work that day, I need to hear it. I need to hear him volunteer information so that I don't feel like he is hiding anything. It's the only thing that helps me feel like maybe I can trust him.

Last night after we finished out scripture reading together, Te read for awhile by himself, and read this passage to me Here's the whole thing and here's just part:

18. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
27. And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28. Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
33. O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34. O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I remember talking with one of my Aunt's several years ago, about church and the gospel. I had said that the things I really felt I needed to work on were reading my scriptures regularly and having more meaningful prayers. She said something about how she wasn't worried about stuff like that yet, because she was still trying to overcome her negative feelings toward other people, or to be kinder and more accepting of other people. That is a good goal, I think. We should all work to be less judgmental, but I think there is something she was missing. To her, reading the scriptures and praying were "little" things and not as important as just being a good person. This passage in 2 Nephi reminds us that without God we can do nothing, and when we put our trust in our own strengths and our own abilities we will fail. We must always put our trust in the Lord and allow Him to help us and strengthen us.

I have noticed that Te's relapses happen shortly after we stop reading the scriptures together regularly, and stop praying together daily. Those things provide a protection, I think.

Month One

Te and I went to his brothers baby blessing over the weekend. Te couldn't participate in giving the blessing and we actually talked about not going, but decided that we wanted to spend time with the family, and this event would give Te a chance to talk to his parents about it.

I was kind of surprised at how much he told his parents. I thought it would be a "I have this problem and that's why I won't be going up with everyone else to bless the baby" but he told them pretty much everything. His dad was pretty quiet about it, and mostly just said that he was glad Te had so much support to help him. Te's mom cried. I felt bad and kept telling her that things would be okay. I've done my crying over it. I hope to never have to cry over it again. To her though, it was kind of a shock I think.

At church it felt a little strange when the other brothers got up to bless the baby and Te stayed right by me. I'm sure he felt bad. Every time he can't do something because of his addiction, I'm sure it makes him feel bad that he put himself in that situation. One sister in law started to ask him why he wasn't getting up, but I think she remembered pretty fast, and stopped mid-sentence.

Te's dad and a couple of his brothers gave him a priesthood blessing that evening, and that was really nice. His family is being really supportive. They kept telling me "thank you". I guess it was a "thank you for sticking around when life got less than fun" or something. It was nice of them to say, but really, what else would I do? Of course I don't want to deal with this, but we don't get to choose our challenges in life. I love Te, we are a family, so we are dealing with it.

It's been a month of good days now. Some easier than others, but Te talks to me and tells me when he has been tempted. We talk about what he was doing when the temptation came and what he did about it. Last night he was telling me how good it feels to not feel guilty about hiding anything from me. It's a good feeling, for him and for me.

On Repentance...

I teach lessons on sunday to the young women. Todays lesson is on repentance. It reminded me of a year ago when I was talking to a church leader about the topic (and this was completely unrelated to Te's problem).

I said that "I used to think that repentance was about paying for our mistakes, about punishment. I have learned that our sins are already paid for and the only punishment involved is what we have done to ourselves. Repentance is about overcoming the things we do that cause pain to ourselves and to others. Repentance brings peace and happiness back into our lives."

From my lesson today:
Steps of Repentance
1. Recognize we have done wrong.
2. Covenant with the Lord that we will never repeat the sin. D&C 58:43 says, By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins- behold, he will confess them and forsake them.
3. Recommit ourselves to living a better life in all areas of the gospel.
4. Make restitution for the wrongs we have committed by,
a. Repenting in prayer to the Lord
b. Confessing to our bishop (if the sin is a major one)
c. Apologizing to those we have offended
5. The depth of our repentance must be as deep as the sin we have committed.
There is no easy way. It hurts, but it also cleanses.
6. Time. Time to prove ourselves to the Lord and to our fellow men that we have
committed ourselves to a new way of life.
7. Forgive ourselves, and those who have offended us.
8. Finally, the greatest blessing, the forgiveness of the Lord. We no longer look back with depression and hurt, but forward to the future with hope and joy and love for God, self, and all mankind.

I know that for Te, there will be a long road of repentance for him because of how deeply he was involved in pornography. It will be difficult at times, but I believe that each step will ease his burden a little more and will help him look "forward to the future with hope and joy and love for God, self, and all mankind".

Songs

I really love listening to music. It can get you "pumped up" to run a race faster. It can calm and relax you. It can make you cry.

I was listening to an iPod playlist that Te made for me. He knows I like Sarah McLaughlan, so he included a lot of her songs on the playlist. One that came on this morning was Answer. It seems so fitting....

I will be your answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can’t look down

If it takes my whole life I won’t break, I won’t bend
It’ll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life I won’t break, I won’t bend
It’ll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind

17 Days and Counting...

I suppose it's good that I haven't had anything major to report in the last few days. Life goes on, and we deal with the problems we are faced with. They don't go away, but our feelings about them become less intense. The blessing of time.

Te met with our bishop last sunday and had a good talk with him.

In the past, when our children have been sick, Te has given them blessings. It has been a great comfort to me, so knowing that he couldn't do that if he needed to makes me a little sad. The sadness is overshadowed though, by a huge relief knowing that he won't be doing those things unworthily.

Sunday night he attended the support group. They have 12 steps that are based on the AA 12 steps. This week they were talking about seeking forgiveness from those you have hurt. Te came home and told me how much he loved me, and how grateful he was to have me in his life. He asked me to forgive him for hurting me. I want to. I told him that. One of the previous times going through this, he asked me to forgive him and I told him I did, then a week or so later I had this surge of anger towards him, which made me realize I hadn't really forgiven him. This time I want to do it right, so I am working on forgiving him. I don't feel angry at him at all anymore. I'm sad. I'm sad for him, because this is an awful thing to have to go through. I'm sad that he has made his life and his relationship with God less than it could have been, but I know he's working on that.

Yesterday I went into his work and entered a password for the Spector program. We are also going to set up a program to let me log into his work computer from home, so I can look at the Spector program without having to go into his office.

He's done a pretty good job of telling me everything lately, which really helps. He tells me when he has struggled, and what he did about it. I think that is a major step in repairing trust. In the past, I have to catch him in something and probe until he finally tells the complete truth, so having him tell me what is going on in his head without having to ask him for information makes me feel less worried about secrets he might be keeping.

Swear word...

If I was the swearing type, I'd be swearing. Actually, I think that the feelings behind the swearing are what should be avoided. Swear words themselves are generally only considered "bad" because of the definitions given to them by society. Most swear words are generally benign words in their original sense.

Anyway...

It seems like having the hurt and anger about the pornography and the lying is making it harder for me to NOT get angry about other things too. I really don't want his problem to lead me to my own problems, so I'm trying to be nice. I just am not feeling it right now...

Girls

Last night Te and I talked about watching the basketball game and the cheerleaders in it.

I admit it, it bothers me that he is turned on by other women. I don't like it. At all.

It's not just the cheerleaders with their less than covering outfits. It's women walking down the street in tank tops, or jogging in sports bras. I asked him if he thinks all men are turned on so easily. I thought he'd say yes, but he didn't.

I'm not sure if there really are men in the world who are not turned on by random scantily clad women. I would like to think there were, and I would really like to think my husband could be one of them. I'm wondering if he is being too hard on himself though.

Is it normal to be turned on so easily? Is it something that will fade with his addiction, or is it something that will be with him forever?

Little girls who idealize a happily ever after are in for a shock. There's no such thing, I knew that there wasn't really such a thing, but it still came as a shock that my happily ever after was going to include seemingly endless battle scenes.

I constantly have to remind myself that things are rarely as they appear. I'm sure to many of my neighbors, Te and I have it all. He has a good job, I can stay home with our beautiful, healthy children. We love each other and from the outside, it looks like our lives are great. And they are, mostly.

Everyone has things they have to struggle with. It's the nature of life, to struggle and learn and grow.

And today is another day.

Terror

I went to a city council meeting with a friend, and it ran long. I got home close to 11pm. When I realized how late it was, I felt panicked. I had left my very vulnerable husband home alone late at night.

I walked into the house and he had a not-so-good expression on his face. Luckily he had fallen asleep on the couch and was not fully awake. No problems. I believe him.

He said he had a really hard time at work today. It got so bad that he left his office and went to the upstairs offices and did some cleaning. He's going to download a program that will let me see clips of the websites he has visited. I think a picture is recorded every five seconds or something.

I think that would ease my mind. I believe him, mostly, when he tells me he has been good. I want to believe him, but a little part of me doubts him. Having proof that he is not looking at anything that he shouldn't be would be a comfort, and I wouldn't have to doubt him.

Tonight he said it was a little tempting when he was watching the NBA finals game with the cheer leaders. He said his motivation for "being good" was that he didn't want to disappoint me again.

I'm grateful.

Thoughts on Culpability and Leaving

First, Culpability. Deserving blame...

That wonderful first bishop we met with, along with telling me about kindness, assured me this had nothing to do with me. I wasn't in some way lacking and causing Te to look elsewhere for satisfaction. It wasn't even about satisfaction. It was about control and stress relief. And it was an addiction.

Te was introduced to pornography at such a young age that he didn't realize how much trouble it could cause. It became a cycle. Instead of dealing with stress in a healthy way, he hopped on the merry-go-round of pornography. Stress-Relief through pornography-Guilt. The guilt caused more stress, and caused his self value to plummet. It became a vicious cycle. Our counselor described it as a path in a forest that has been worn down so much, that once he gets on (by seeing a woman in a tank top, or being left alone near a computer), it is very hard to step off. The most important thing at that point is to visualize the path and hack through the brush until he starts creating a new path with healthy stress management techniques.

I know that it has nothing to do with me, or how attractive he finds me. At times, I have wondered why I am not enough for him, but those thoughts are fleeting. I know that it isn't about me. If I do share any blame, and I feel I do to some extent,in his recurring problems at least, it is that I became trusting of him too fast. I think I also let him ease in to recovery instead of doing everything possible right away. First, it was just seeing the bishop. I thought that would be enough. Then it was the bishop and counseling. Now it is bishop and group therapy (and maybe counseling). In hindsight I realize the fierceness of this addiction and if I had it to do over, I would use every resource possible to attack the addiction. Bishop, Counseling, Group Therapy, Daily Prayer and Scripture Study.

I also became lax on our prayers together and nightly scripture reading. Those things are important to me for my own spiritual strength, and I believe they are essential to him for his. Church leaders have said over and over that in order to overcome our weaknesses we must turn to the Lord and do the things that he has asked us to do.

On Leaving....

In my first post I briefly mentioned that I had considered leaving him. I didn't go into detail on why I decided that wasn't what I wanted.

-I love him. I believe that we can heal. Leaving would be as much as a punishment to myself as it would be to him because he is such an important part of my life.

-There is no guarantee that a life without him will be better than a life with him. Even if this is something we are fighting for the rest of our lives, and I believe to some extent, it will be, we will do it together, and I will trust my Heavenly Father to make up the difference.

-Our children love him. He is a wonderful father, and I wonder what going through a divorce would do to our children.

-I believe that my marriage is eternal. It's not something that I entered into lightly, and it is not something that I would give up on.

So here I am. And we have had seven good days now.

A Little Kindness

Way back when Te's problem came to my attention, and we went to see our bishop, the bishop said to me, "A little kindness goes a long way".

That statement has been the most helpful (to me) thing I have heard through out all of our counseling and visits with various bishops. It is so easy to be hurt and angry. I questioned Heavenly Father. Why was this happening to me?

Luckily I realized that lashing out in anger at my husband was not going to help him to recover. He needed my support. I'm sure I haven't been perfect. I know I have said some things in anger, and have hurt him. When I have, he has taken my words, because he knew I was hurting. We both want to recover.

He just got home from his first group meeting. I was relieved to hear that he said it was good. He said it was comfortable to talk with the other men and that he found it helpful to hear how far others have come.

Recovery is possible. He can do it, and so can I.

From the Beginning

About 4 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and caught my husband looking at porn on his laptop and masturbating. I realize that for some people this may not be a big deal. For us it is. It goes against everything we want for our family.

We had been married for two years, and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. We had a new baby, a new house, and I thought things were perfect.

Over time, the whole story came out. It started when he was a teen, when he was 19, he served a mission for our church and was free of problems. After he returned the problem reappeared, and after we were married continued to get worse and worse.

I was devastated. This man was my whole life. He was a wonderful father. How could he be who he was and be hiding this horrible secret from me? I wondered if everything had been a lie.

He had several talks with our bishop, and things seemed to be getting better. I relaxed and felt like I could trust him again, when I noticed some strange websites in the computer's history. I confronted him and at first he said it was just that once, then later, admitted it had been going on for quite awhile.

WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME! WHY DO YOU LIE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY? I was angry. And hurt.

He went back to the bishop, and we went to counseling, which was really helpful.

Nearly two years, and another child later, I stumbled across an email that was a sign up to a porn site. Again, when I asked him about it he lied several times before he finally admitted that it had been going on since two months after we stopped seeing the counselor.

I love this man. He is a good man. He has a horrible problem, that he has not been able to overcome. I don't want to make it sound like he is free of accountability in the matter. He makes his own choices, but I have promised to be there for him for as long as he is willing to continue to try to recover.

I am still angry, and I am still hurt. I know that he loves me.

I have thought about leaving him, but I love him. He is a good father. And I have a hope that someday we will be a healed family.

It's been one week since I found out about his continued problem. Last time, I told him that if it happened again, he would have to go to the weekly support group, which he was hesitant to do, his first meeting is tonight and he'll meet with our bishop next sunday.

This blog is an outlet for me to express my feelings, hopefully someone else out there can benefit from my experiences and can share to help make this journey a little easier for me.

-Soph