Thoughts on Culpability and Leaving

First, Culpability. Deserving blame...

That wonderful first bishop we met with, along with telling me about kindness, assured me this had nothing to do with me. I wasn't in some way lacking and causing Te to look elsewhere for satisfaction. It wasn't even about satisfaction. It was about control and stress relief. And it was an addiction.

Te was introduced to pornography at such a young age that he didn't realize how much trouble it could cause. It became a cycle. Instead of dealing with stress in a healthy way, he hopped on the merry-go-round of pornography. Stress-Relief through pornography-Guilt. The guilt caused more stress, and caused his self value to plummet. It became a vicious cycle. Our counselor described it as a path in a forest that has been worn down so much, that once he gets on (by seeing a woman in a tank top, or being left alone near a computer), it is very hard to step off. The most important thing at that point is to visualize the path and hack through the brush until he starts creating a new path with healthy stress management techniques.

I know that it has nothing to do with me, or how attractive he finds me. At times, I have wondered why I am not enough for him, but those thoughts are fleeting. I know that it isn't about me. If I do share any blame, and I feel I do to some extent,in his recurring problems at least, it is that I became trusting of him too fast. I think I also let him ease in to recovery instead of doing everything possible right away. First, it was just seeing the bishop. I thought that would be enough. Then it was the bishop and counseling. Now it is bishop and group therapy (and maybe counseling). In hindsight I realize the fierceness of this addiction and if I had it to do over, I would use every resource possible to attack the addiction. Bishop, Counseling, Group Therapy, Daily Prayer and Scripture Study.

I also became lax on our prayers together and nightly scripture reading. Those things are important to me for my own spiritual strength, and I believe they are essential to him for his. Church leaders have said over and over that in order to overcome our weaknesses we must turn to the Lord and do the things that he has asked us to do.

On Leaving....

In my first post I briefly mentioned that I had considered leaving him. I didn't go into detail on why I decided that wasn't what I wanted.

-I love him. I believe that we can heal. Leaving would be as much as a punishment to myself as it would be to him because he is such an important part of my life.

-There is no guarantee that a life without him will be better than a life with him. Even if this is something we are fighting for the rest of our lives, and I believe to some extent, it will be, we will do it together, and I will trust my Heavenly Father to make up the difference.

-Our children love him. He is a wonderful father, and I wonder what going through a divorce would do to our children.

-I believe that my marriage is eternal. It's not something that I entered into lightly, and it is not something that I would give up on.

So here I am. And we have had seven good days now.