Trying To Heal

Why Me? Why not me. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's how we deal with the bad things that makes us who we are.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

From the Beginning

About 4 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and caught my husband looking at porn on his laptop and masturbating. I realize that for some people this may not be a big deal. For us it is. It goes against everything we want for our family.

We had been married for two years, and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. We had a new baby, a new house, and I thought things were perfect.

Over time, the whole story came out. It started when he was a teen, when he was 19, he served a mission for our church and was free of problems. After he returned the problem reappeared, and after we were married continued to get worse and worse.

I was devastated. This man was my whole life. He was a wonderful father. How could he be who he was and be hiding this horrible secret from me? I wondered if everything had been a lie.

He had several talks with our bishop, and things seemed to be getting better. I relaxed and felt like I could trust him again, when I noticed some strange websites in the computer's history. I confronted him and at first he said it was just that once, then later, admitted it had been going on for quite awhile.

WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME! WHY DO YOU LIE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY? I was angry. And hurt.

He went back to the bishop, and we went to counseling, which was really helpful.

Nearly two years, and another child later, I stumbled across an email that was a sign up to a porn site. Again, when I asked him about it he lied several times before he finally admitted that it had been going on since two months after we stopped seeing the counselor.

I love this man. He is a good man. He has a horrible problem, that he has not been able to overcome. I don't want to make it sound like he is free of accountability in the matter. He makes his own choices, but I have promised to be there for him for as long as he is willing to continue to try to recover.

I am still angry, and I am still hurt. I know that he loves me.

I have thought about leaving him, but I love him. He is a good father. And I have a hope that someday we will be a healed family.

It's been one week since I found out about his continued problem. Last time, I told him that if it happened again, he would have to go to the weekly support group, which he was hesitant to do, his first meeting is tonight and he'll meet with our bishop next sunday.

This blog is an outlet for me to express my feelings, hopefully someone else out there can benefit from my experiences and can share to help make this journey a little easier for me.

-Soph

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