Panic Attacks and Scriptures

I've been having some sort of panic attacks lately. I really want to believe Te. I want to believe that he is being honest about wanting to overcome his addiction, but a small part of me wonders if he's just pretending. Trust is a really difficult thing to rebuild. Especially when it has been broken so many times. I trust him in all other areas, but this one, I just don't.

I don't have any specific reason for panicking recently. I haven't found anything on his computer or anything. Maybe it has something to do with him being tired of reporting every single detail to me. Lately he's just been saying "everything is fine" and then I have to really push to get details. I don't want to have to push. Most every detail I have discovered about his addiction was discovered because I pushed. I'm not sure if there's any information he volunteered on his own. It was a lie at every opportunity. We talked about that this morning for a little while, so hopefully he'll volunteer more information again. Even though he feels like he is repeating himself (over and over and over...) when he tells me how things went at work that day, I need to hear it. I need to hear him volunteer information so that I don't feel like he is hiding anything. It's the only thing that helps me feel like maybe I can trust him.

Last night after we finished out scripture reading together, Te read for awhile by himself, and read this passage to me Here's the whole thing and here's just part:

18. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
27. And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28. Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
33. O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34. O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I remember talking with one of my Aunt's several years ago, about church and the gospel. I had said that the things I really felt I needed to work on were reading my scriptures regularly and having more meaningful prayers. She said something about how she wasn't worried about stuff like that yet, because she was still trying to overcome her negative feelings toward other people, or to be kinder and more accepting of other people. That is a good goal, I think. We should all work to be less judgmental, but I think there is something she was missing. To her, reading the scriptures and praying were "little" things and not as important as just being a good person. This passage in 2 Nephi reminds us that without God we can do nothing, and when we put our trust in our own strengths and our own abilities we will fail. We must always put our trust in the Lord and allow Him to help us and strengthen us.

I have noticed that Te's relapses happen shortly after we stop reading the scriptures together regularly, and stop praying together daily. Those things provide a protection, I think.