Family

Te and I had a chance to talk with his family over the weekend. All but one brother and his wife were able to participate in the conversations, which was really nice since all the brothers have had issues with pornography to some extent.

The sisters-in-law had a really good discussion. We were all walking down the road in the campground and I was on the end. I looked over and it was really neat to see these other women. We all have different colored hair, we're all different heights, and we all come from different backgrounds, and I looked at those women and thought how talented each of them are, and what a wonderful group of women I have the privilege of being related to.

We sat down and started with a prayer and then talked about things that we have found helpful in dealing with our husbands addictions. We also talked about warning signs that we can look to know if our husbands are in trouble.

Te had a chance to talk to his parents and brothers also. I hope that they can be a good support group for each other.

Percentages

The other night, Te and I were talking about how his week went while I was gone. He was supposed to keep a daily log for me to read when I got home, but he didn't. He did write me the nice email, since when I got home, he was gone for a couple of days.

I was sure glad to see him when he got back! (although I had a really nice saturday all by myself...I went shopping and actually got to try on clothes without kids trying to escape under the dressing room door... and I went to the temple, I think I mentioned that already....It was a nice day (and I ran 6 MILES!!!!))

ANYWAY, Te and I were talking, and he said that he's just not doing it anymore, he doesn't want to want to, and that he has nothing to hide from me, and that it feels really good to him that he can say that. He has nothing to hide... I need to check his computer records at work. He asked where my trust-level was at. I said 60%. In all other areas, I trust him, he's just lied to me too many times about his addiction for me to trust him much more than that.

I'd like to, and I think he appreciates that.

We've had a month and a half of good days.

The light of the body is the eye.

I was gone for a few days this week, and when I got home, I found this email from Te:

Well, as you can tell, I didn’t keep a daily log of my attacks and triumphs. And that is what they were. They were all triumphs. I felt really bad quite few times as I kept on thinking about it and the attacks just kept on getting stronger and stronger. I imagine it was probably the worst that I have had. By the end of each day, though, I was pretty much wasted, so thinking about it going to bed wasn’t very bad. It was bad, though, but I was just too tired. I think one night, [my brothers] called so that got me through most of the night. They got to talking about buying a tire, so I got online and checked out the prices and tires that they had. Well, of course that was a big distraction, especially when they hung up. But I didn’t give way to temptation. I just let it go and turned off the machine.

I did play a computer game one night, but that was it. I didn’t go on the internet, though I was tempted pretty highly to do so. To tell you the truth, I was probably playing with fire. I wasn’t doing anything that was even remotely close to falling, but I wasn’t avoiding the falling situation either. Reading every night helped. I knew that you were reading, even if you weren’t reading the right chapter. That first night was the best. I love the sermon on the mount and those verses in there were really good and meaningful to me. I am not sure if you read what I did, as we talked earlier, but what I read really made me think. “You cannot serve God and mammon.” I am either doing one or the other. It isn’t half way. That was really helpful.

Then your note to me made me smile. Knowing that you were praying for me, and saying that you knew that I could do it. That meant a lot to me. I knew that I was going to miss you, but I didn’t think that I would miss you as much as I did. I really did miss talking to you, having you be there when I got home. I just missed being around you. I love you so much. There was one time, when I said to myself, “You know what? I have been good for so long, I deserve a ‘break’ and just do it for a little bit.” Man, that was one hard one to overcome. But then I thought, “you cannot serve God and mammon.” How true that is.

Anyway, I love you very much. You mean everything to me. I miss you so much and I can’t wait until I get to see you again.

Love
Te

It was hard to be away, and I was really worried about how he would do home alone, but I think I mostly trust him when he said that he did okay.

I went to the temple yesterday, and it was so hard to sit there knowing that Te couldn't be there with me.

While I was away, one of the scriptures I read was 3 Nephi 13:22 The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. I love that scripture. If we keep our eyes focused on the things of God, we will not be distracted by the things of the world. We will have Heavenly Father's spirit with us, because we have chosen to focus on him. I hope that by focusing on the things of God, Te can have his body filled with light. I hope he can keep his eyes focused on our long-term joy and not be distracted by temptations of temporary satisfaction.

Panic Attacks and Scriptures

I've been having some sort of panic attacks lately. I really want to believe Te. I want to believe that he is being honest about wanting to overcome his addiction, but a small part of me wonders if he's just pretending. Trust is a really difficult thing to rebuild. Especially when it has been broken so many times. I trust him in all other areas, but this one, I just don't.

I don't have any specific reason for panicking recently. I haven't found anything on his computer or anything. Maybe it has something to do with him being tired of reporting every single detail to me. Lately he's just been saying "everything is fine" and then I have to really push to get details. I don't want to have to push. Most every detail I have discovered about his addiction was discovered because I pushed. I'm not sure if there's any information he volunteered on his own. It was a lie at every opportunity. We talked about that this morning for a little while, so hopefully he'll volunteer more information again. Even though he feels like he is repeating himself (over and over and over...) when he tells me how things went at work that day, I need to hear it. I need to hear him volunteer information so that I don't feel like he is hiding anything. It's the only thing that helps me feel like maybe I can trust him.

Last night after we finished out scripture reading together, Te read for awhile by himself, and read this passage to me Here's the whole thing and here's just part:

18. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
19. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
27. And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
28. Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.
33. O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
34. O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
35. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I remember talking with one of my Aunt's several years ago, about church and the gospel. I had said that the things I really felt I needed to work on were reading my scriptures regularly and having more meaningful prayers. She said something about how she wasn't worried about stuff like that yet, because she was still trying to overcome her negative feelings toward other people, or to be kinder and more accepting of other people. That is a good goal, I think. We should all work to be less judgmental, but I think there is something she was missing. To her, reading the scriptures and praying were "little" things and not as important as just being a good person. This passage in 2 Nephi reminds us that without God we can do nothing, and when we put our trust in our own strengths and our own abilities we will fail. We must always put our trust in the Lord and allow Him to help us and strengthen us.

I have noticed that Te's relapses happen shortly after we stop reading the scriptures together regularly, and stop praying together daily. Those things provide a protection, I think.

Month One

Te and I went to his brothers baby blessing over the weekend. Te couldn't participate in giving the blessing and we actually talked about not going, but decided that we wanted to spend time with the family, and this event would give Te a chance to talk to his parents about it.

I was kind of surprised at how much he told his parents. I thought it would be a "I have this problem and that's why I won't be going up with everyone else to bless the baby" but he told them pretty much everything. His dad was pretty quiet about it, and mostly just said that he was glad Te had so much support to help him. Te's mom cried. I felt bad and kept telling her that things would be okay. I've done my crying over it. I hope to never have to cry over it again. To her though, it was kind of a shock I think.

At church it felt a little strange when the other brothers got up to bless the baby and Te stayed right by me. I'm sure he felt bad. Every time he can't do something because of his addiction, I'm sure it makes him feel bad that he put himself in that situation. One sister in law started to ask him why he wasn't getting up, but I think she remembered pretty fast, and stopped mid-sentence.

Te's dad and a couple of his brothers gave him a priesthood blessing that evening, and that was really nice. His family is being really supportive. They kept telling me "thank you". I guess it was a "thank you for sticking around when life got less than fun" or something. It was nice of them to say, but really, what else would I do? Of course I don't want to deal with this, but we don't get to choose our challenges in life. I love Te, we are a family, so we are dealing with it.

It's been a month of good days now. Some easier than others, but Te talks to me and tells me when he has been tempted. We talk about what he was doing when the temptation came and what he did about it. Last night he was telling me how good it feels to not feel guilty about hiding anything from me. It's a good feeling, for him and for me.