Welcome to my blog!

I haven't posted anything in quite awhile, I'm happy to report that life feels normal. I'm happy. My husband is doing well. He still has thoughts and temptations come to him, but they are not as strong as they used to be, and he has learned how to avoid strong temptations, and to push them out of his mind when they do come.

Trust is still sometimes an issue, but I'd say I trust 99%, that he is being honest with me about his addiction. I think that there will always be times when I wonder, but so far, when those times have come, we've been able to sit down together and his reassurance has been enough to comfort my fears.

I hope to never need this blog as an outlet again. It was a time in my life when I felt so alone, I felt a heavy burden and didn't know who I could share it with, and this blog allowed me to express myself and also find some friends who were going through similar things. To them, I say thank you. You will never know how much comfort you were to me.

I may not post anymore, but I want readers to know that if you are dealing with a spouse who has a pornography addiction, please, feel free to email me at alliegator321 at gmail dot com. You are not alone. I know the heartache and despair you feel. I also want you to know that there is hope, though you may not feel it now, it is there, and with the help of bishops, counselors (we went to LDS services), support groups, and some good software like SpectorSoft, you can overcome it. It will be difficult, but on the other side there can be more peace and happiness than there was before.

I've copied a few posts that I made at LDSAR.org, a support group for addicts and their families so that all my thoughts are here. May you feel peace and hope as you read my journey, and know that you are not alone.  To read in order from the beginning, scroll down to the bottom and work your way up.

In the mail...

This was posted at LDSAR.org on January 11th, 2007.

My husband brought the mail in when he came home from work. He handed me a stack and said, "look at the bottom one". It was a mailer from playboy. He saw it and quickly stuck in in the bottom of the pile to give to me.

It makes me so mad that companies can send junk like that to my house. I don't even know what I can do about it. I've gotten Victoria Secret stuff before, but I was able to look online and find a phone number to call to get those stopped. I don't want to go to the playboy website.

Is there any way to get things like that stopped? We got a mailer for some other nasty male magazine several months ago.

I'm wondering if ESPN sells their subscriber lists.

I did just discover that there is a form you can fill out at the post office to stop sexually explicit mail from being sent to you. If you get anything after you have signed up, the company will be fined. It's form 1500 at the post office. You can download it from the USPS website. Here's a link:

http://www.usps.com/forms/_pdf/ps1500.pdf

My own kind of relapse

This was posted at LDSAR.org on December 5th, 2006.

I kept hoping that it would pass, but it seems to just be getting worse and worse.

My husband is doing really well, I guess. He says he is, and part of me believes him. A little part of me is making up all sorts of stories about what he is lying about.

I hate it. I hate that I am doubting him. I hate that he is viewing it as "my problem" (even though it is- it goes back to the "he owes me" feeling I guess).

I think he is doing okay, and so he doesn't see why he needs to keep telling me every day that he is doing okay. I just feel like I need to hear about constant improvement or something to feel like he's really okay.

I guess I know what needs to change in my own life to get over this relapse that I am having. I need to make time for the things that are really important. I need to have more meaningful prayers and work at strengthening my relationship with Heavenly Father. It's amazing how fast we let ourselves slip away from him.

Feelings of debt?

This was posted at LDSAR.org on November 20th, 2006.

Josh's blog (a post at LDSAR.org) on gratitude made me think of this... For a long time, my husband was so grateful to me for supporting him and loving him even though he had hurt me so much. He was always doing sweet things for me to let me know that he appreciated me.

I know he still is grateful, but I guess it's not reasonable to expect him to be showing that gratitude everyday for the rest of our lives.

Lately it has been hard for me to not bring up his past wrongs (not to him, just in my own mind) when thinking of how I want him to act.

I don't know if that makes sense or not. I know it's not fair for me to expect him to grovel or constantly be doing things to "make up" for hurting me though. I guess I haven't totally forgiven him. I told him that I did, and I really want to, but I'm having a hard time letting go of this feeling that I have some "right" to control him or have certain expectations of him.

How do you overcome that?

I have learned...

This was posted at LDSAR.org on October 20th 2006.

I was replying to another post and mentioned how going through this experience with my husband has changed me. Mostly for the better, I think. Not that I would choose to go through it all again if I could avoid it, but we don't get to choose our trials, we just get to choose what we learn from them.

What have you learned?

I have learned that good men struggle. We all have our weaknesses, but they don't have to define who we are.

I've learned that repentance is not about punishment, it's about finding peace, and being able to let go of the things we do that cause pain to others and to ourselves.

I have learned that no one escapes pain and sorrow in this life, no matter how perfect they may look from the outside.

I have learned that we can't afford to NOT do the little things, and I have learned that those "things" truly bring us peace and happiness.

I have learned to trust Heavenly Father. I believe that no matter what happens, Heavenly Father loves me and that things will turn out okay.

The greatest thing, to me, about the gospel is that it is a gospel of hope. We are not perfect, but we have hope for the future.

Going to the Temple together...

This was originally posted at LDSAR.org, but I have decided I'd like to have all my thoughts in one place. It was posted on October 16, 2006.

Te got his temple recommend back last week. We were able to go to the temple together this last saturday for the first time in a long time.

I had been a few times without him and it made me so sad to be there, that it was hard to make it through the session.

Sitting in the celestial room with him talking about our experiences felt so good. I know that there will always be temptations, and we will always have to be on guard, but it feels good to have hope for the future.

The next goal is for him to be able to bless our baby after it is born in April.