Trying To Heal

Why Me? Why not me. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's how we deal with the bad things that makes us who we are.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

On Repentance...

I teach lessons on sunday to the young women. Todays lesson is on repentance. It reminded me of a year ago when I was talking to a church leader about the topic (and this was completely unrelated to Te's problem).

I said that "I used to think that repentance was about paying for our mistakes, about punishment. I have learned that our sins are already paid for and the only punishment involved is what we have done to ourselves. Repentance is about overcoming the things we do that cause pain to ourselves and to others. Repentance brings peace and happiness back into our lives."

From my lesson today:
Steps of Repentance
1. Recognize we have done wrong.
2. Covenant with the Lord that we will never repeat the sin. D&C 58:43 says, By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins- behold, he will confess them and forsake them.
3. Recommit ourselves to living a better life in all areas of the gospel.
4. Make restitution for the wrongs we have committed by,
a. Repenting in prayer to the Lord
b. Confessing to our bishop (if the sin is a major one)
c. Apologizing to those we have offended
5. The depth of our repentance must be as deep as the sin we have committed.
There is no easy way. It hurts, but it also cleanses.
6. Time. Time to prove ourselves to the Lord and to our fellow men that we have
committed ourselves to a new way of life.
7. Forgive ourselves, and those who have offended us.
8. Finally, the greatest blessing, the forgiveness of the Lord. We no longer look back with depression and hurt, but forward to the future with hope and joy and love for God, self, and all mankind.

I know that for Te, there will be a long road of repentance for him because of how deeply he was involved in pornography. It will be difficult at times, but I believe that each step will ease his burden a little more and will help him look "forward to the future with hope and joy and love for God, self, and all mankind".

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Songs

I really love listening to music. It can get you "pumped up" to run a race faster. It can calm and relax you. It can make you cry.

I was listening to an iPod playlist that Te made for me. He knows I like Sarah McLaughlan, so he included a lot of her songs on the playlist. One that came on this morning was Answer. It seems so fitting....

I will be your answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can’t look down

If it takes my whole life I won’t break, I won’t bend
It’ll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life I won’t break, I won’t bend
It’ll all be worth it, worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind

17 Days and Counting...

I suppose it's good that I haven't had anything major to report in the last few days. Life goes on, and we deal with the problems we are faced with. They don't go away, but our feelings about them become less intense. The blessing of time.

Te met with our bishop last sunday and had a good talk with him.

In the past, when our children have been sick, Te has given them blessings. It has been a great comfort to me, so knowing that he couldn't do that if he needed to makes me a little sad. The sadness is overshadowed though, by a huge relief knowing that he won't be doing those things unworthily.

Sunday night he attended the support group. They have 12 steps that are based on the AA 12 steps. This week they were talking about seeking forgiveness from those you have hurt. Te came home and told me how much he loved me, and how grateful he was to have me in his life. He asked me to forgive him for hurting me. I want to. I told him that. One of the previous times going through this, he asked me to forgive him and I told him I did, then a week or so later I had this surge of anger towards him, which made me realize I hadn't really forgiven him. This time I want to do it right, so I am working on forgiving him. I don't feel angry at him at all anymore. I'm sad. I'm sad for him, because this is an awful thing to have to go through. I'm sad that he has made his life and his relationship with God less than it could have been, but I know he's working on that.

Yesterday I went into his work and entered a password for the Spector program. We are also going to set up a program to let me log into his work computer from home, so I can look at the Spector program without having to go into his office.

He's done a pretty good job of telling me everything lately, which really helps. He tells me when he has struggled, and what he did about it. I think that is a major step in repairing trust. In the past, I have to catch him in something and probe until he finally tells the complete truth, so having him tell me what is going on in his head without having to ask him for information makes me feel less worried about secrets he might be keeping.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Swear word...

If I was the swearing type, I'd be swearing. Actually, I think that the feelings behind the swearing are what should be avoided. Swear words themselves are generally only considered "bad" because of the definitions given to them by society. Most swear words are generally benign words in their original sense.

Anyway...

It seems like having the hurt and anger about the pornography and the lying is making it harder for me to NOT get angry about other things too. I really don't want his problem to lead me to my own problems, so I'm trying to be nice. I just am not feeling it right now...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Girls

Last night Te and I talked about watching the basketball game and the cheerleaders in it.

I admit it, it bothers me that he is turned on by other women. I don't like it. At all.

It's not just the cheerleaders with their less than covering outfits. It's women walking down the street in tank tops, or jogging in sports bras. I asked him if he thinks all men are turned on so easily. I thought he'd say yes, but he didn't.

I'm not sure if there really are men in the world who are not turned on by random scantily clad women. I would like to think there were, and I would really like to think my husband could be one of them. I'm wondering if he is being too hard on himself though.

Is it normal to be turned on so easily? Is it something that will fade with his addiction, or is it something that will be with him forever?

Little girls who idealize a happily ever after are in for a shock. There's no such thing, I knew that there wasn't really such a thing, but it still came as a shock that my happily ever after was going to include seemingly endless battle scenes.

I constantly have to remind myself that things are rarely as they appear. I'm sure to many of my neighbors, Te and I have it all. He has a good job, I can stay home with our beautiful, healthy children. We love each other and from the outside, it looks like our lives are great. And they are, mostly.

Everyone has things they have to struggle with. It's the nature of life, to struggle and learn and grow.

And today is another day.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Terror

I went to a city council meeting with a friend, and it ran long. I got home close to 11pm. When I realized how late it was, I felt panicked. I had left my very vulnerable husband home alone late at night.

I walked into the house and he had a not-so-good expression on his face. Luckily he had fallen asleep on the couch and was not fully awake. No problems. I believe him.

He said he had a really hard time at work today. It got so bad that he left his office and went to the upstairs offices and did some cleaning. He's going to download a program that will let me see clips of the websites he has visited. I think a picture is recorded every five seconds or something.

I think that would ease my mind. I believe him, mostly, when he tells me he has been good. I want to believe him, but a little part of me doubts him. Having proof that he is not looking at anything that he shouldn't be would be a comfort, and I wouldn't have to doubt him.

Tonight he said it was a little tempting when he was watching the NBA finals game with the cheer leaders. He said his motivation for "being good" was that he didn't want to disappoint me again.

I'm grateful.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Thoughts on Culpability and Leaving

First, Culpability. Deserving blame...

That wonderful first bishop we met with, along with telling me about kindness, assured me this had nothing to do with me. I wasn't in some way lacking and causing Te to look elsewhere for satisfaction. It wasn't even about satisfaction. It was about control and stress relief. And it was an addiction.

Te was introduced to pornography at such a young age that he didn't realize how much trouble it could cause. It became a cycle. Instead of dealing with stress in a healthy way, he hopped on the merry-go-round of pornography. Stress-Relief through pornography-Guilt. The guilt caused more stress, and caused his self value to plummet. It became a vicious cycle. Our counselor described it as a path in a forest that has been worn down so much, that once he gets on (by seeing a woman in a tank top, or being left alone near a computer), it is very hard to step off. The most important thing at that point is to visualize the path and hack through the brush until he starts creating a new path with healthy stress management techniques.

I know that it has nothing to do with me, or how attractive he finds me. At times, I have wondered why I am not enough for him, but those thoughts are fleeting. I know that it isn't about me. If I do share any blame, and I feel I do to some extent,in his recurring problems at least, it is that I became trusting of him too fast. I think I also let him ease in to recovery instead of doing everything possible right away. First, it was just seeing the bishop. I thought that would be enough. Then it was the bishop and counseling. Now it is bishop and group therapy (and maybe counseling). In hindsight I realize the fierceness of this addiction and if I had it to do over, I would use every resource possible to attack the addiction. Bishop, Counseling, Group Therapy, Daily Prayer and Scripture Study.

I also became lax on our prayers together and nightly scripture reading. Those things are important to me for my own spiritual strength, and I believe they are essential to him for his. Church leaders have said over and over that in order to overcome our weaknesses we must turn to the Lord and do the things that he has asked us to do.

On Leaving....

In my first post I briefly mentioned that I had considered leaving him. I didn't go into detail on why I decided that wasn't what I wanted.

-I love him. I believe that we can heal. Leaving would be as much as a punishment to myself as it would be to him because he is such an important part of my life.

-There is no guarantee that a life without him will be better than a life with him. Even if this is something we are fighting for the rest of our lives, and I believe to some extent, it will be, we will do it together, and I will trust my Heavenly Father to make up the difference.

-Our children love him. He is a wonderful father, and I wonder what going through a divorce would do to our children.

-I believe that my marriage is eternal. It's not something that I entered into lightly, and it is not something that I would give up on.

So here I am. And we have had seven good days now.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A Little Kindness

Way back when Te's problem came to my attention, and we went to see our bishop, the bishop said to me, "A little kindness goes a long way".

That statement has been the most helpful (to me) thing I have heard through out all of our counseling and visits with various bishops. It is so easy to be hurt and angry. I questioned Heavenly Father. Why was this happening to me?

Luckily I realized that lashing out in anger at my husband was not going to help him to recover. He needed my support. I'm sure I haven't been perfect. I know I have said some things in anger, and have hurt him. When I have, he has taken my words, because he knew I was hurting. We both want to recover.

He just got home from his first group meeting. I was relieved to hear that he said it was good. He said it was comfortable to talk with the other men and that he found it helpful to hear how far others have come.

Recovery is possible. He can do it, and so can I.

From the Beginning

About 4 years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and caught my husband looking at porn on his laptop and masturbating. I realize that for some people this may not be a big deal. For us it is. It goes against everything we want for our family.

We had been married for two years, and I was happier than I could have ever imagined. We had a new baby, a new house, and I thought things were perfect.

Over time, the whole story came out. It started when he was a teen, when he was 19, he served a mission for our church and was free of problems. After he returned the problem reappeared, and after we were married continued to get worse and worse.

I was devastated. This man was my whole life. He was a wonderful father. How could he be who he was and be hiding this horrible secret from me? I wondered if everything had been a lie.

He had several talks with our bishop, and things seemed to be getting better. I relaxed and felt like I could trust him again, when I noticed some strange websites in the computer's history. I confronted him and at first he said it was just that once, then later, admitted it had been going on for quite awhile.

WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME! WHY DO YOU LIE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY? I was angry. And hurt.

He went back to the bishop, and we went to counseling, which was really helpful.

Nearly two years, and another child later, I stumbled across an email that was a sign up to a porn site. Again, when I asked him about it he lied several times before he finally admitted that it had been going on since two months after we stopped seeing the counselor.

I love this man. He is a good man. He has a horrible problem, that he has not been able to overcome. I don't want to make it sound like he is free of accountability in the matter. He makes his own choices, but I have promised to be there for him for as long as he is willing to continue to try to recover.

I am still angry, and I am still hurt. I know that he loves me.

I have thought about leaving him, but I love him. He is a good father. And I have a hope that someday we will be a healed family.

It's been one week since I found out about his continued problem. Last time, I told him that if it happened again, he would have to go to the weekly support group, which he was hesitant to do, his first meeting is tonight and he'll meet with our bishop next sunday.

This blog is an outlet for me to express my feelings, hopefully someone else out there can benefit from my experiences and can share to help make this journey a little easier for me.

-Soph