The Bookmark

One year in college I had a roommate who gave me a bookmark. On the front in big fancy lettering is spelled the word FAITH and below that it says: In the Lord Jesus Christ.

I've used it for years to mark my place in my scripture reading. On the back my roommate wrote "Faith without Fear" and 4 scriptures.

The first is Psalm 27 Here are the first and line lines from that passage:

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Next is 2 Timothy 1:7-8. 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8 Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

Third is Ether 12:4. 4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

And Last: D&C 27:15-18 I'm not going to post this scripture here since it is longer than the others and can't be taken apart to shorten what I post. It's the scripture that talks about putting on the armor of God.

Te has said that there have been some tough times lately. I was gone wednesday evening and he was home alone. I worried about him after the kids were in bed. He said it was really hard, but he just tried to stay busy. It makes me sad that being alone is so hard for him. I get an evening home alone and I can read or just relax. Wednesday night when I came home he looked angry and worn out.

It isn't easy. I am glad he is still trying. I have been afraid lately that he will decide to stop trying. I don't have any reason to think he would, other then seeing how much it wears him out to be constantly fighting this battle. Good days at work are days where he comes home exhausted from being so busy instead of exhausted from fighting.

I can't live my life in fear of what might happen. When I was thinking about that, I remembered the bookmark. I've never actually gone and looked up each scripture my roommate wrote on the back before. What a comfort it was to read those words. It's funny how something from so long ago, and something so little, can bring peace. I'm doing the best I can to live the way that I know I should. I'm trying to do the little things that I know are so important. I have faith that things will be okay. I have faith that my family will be together forever, so why do I fear?

Fear is a little like sin. You wallow in it, just a bit, and before you know it, you're stuck in so far that you don't see any hope of getting out. I need to do the thing I ask Te to do. When he feels tempted, I want him to pray. He doesn't have to face temptation alone, and I don't need to face fear alone.

The Count

Te met with the bishop yesterday. I can't even imagine all of the stuff that a bishop has to deal with. He has his own life to deal with, and then he gets to deal with all the junk from all the people who are having problems around him too.

Part of me has always felt bad that Te and I were adding to the burdens that our bishop's have had to deal with, and the other part of me has been so grateful to them for all they have done.

The bishop told Te to not feel worldly sorrow, which would only lead him to discouragement, but that he should feel Godly sorrow, which would lead him to become closer to Heavenly Father and not try to do this on his own.

Today Te said he had a temptation come to his mind, and instead of just trying to push it aside, he prayed. It's a small victory, but it feels good.

No one has to struggle through life on their own.

I've decided I'm not counting good days anymore, at least not for now. We've gone since the end of May, with one relapse in there. The relapse was upsetting and sad, but it doesn't undo all the good days that came before it.

Life is still good.

Real Life

I have two blogger accounts. One for this blog, and one for my "real life" blog. A few weeks ago I posted using this account on a "real life" account. It's happened before, but usually I catch it right when I do it. This time it stayed all weekend.

I have thought about deleting this blog, but the idea of doing that makes me sad. This has been such a good outlet for me, and I really don't want to lose it. I could start a new blog, but I've found a support group here.

After much thought, and a little discussion with Te, I've decided to keep this blog. Yes, Te has an addiction. It has been a real struggle, as you can see if you've read much of my blog. It's not a fun thing to deal with, but it's real and we are determined to overcome it.

There are setbacks, and there are victories. I think that is the case for any addiction.

For those of you who know me in real life, I hope that you do not feel uncomfortable with your new knowledge. If you do, please don't read this blog anymore. Te and I are both willing to talk privately to anyone who wants to discuss pornography addiction in a respectful way.

Te is a good man who is working very hard to overcome something that is very hard to overcome.

If our experience helps one person to come forward with their own addiction, or helps one spouse feel able to keep going, it will all have been worth it.

Personal Purity

The young women lesson I taught on sunday was on personal purity. Here are the highlights:

Thunderous applause filled the concert hall. One of the world’s greatest violinists had just completed his final selection of the evening’s program. Eagerly, a woman made her way to the stage in hopes of expressing her admiration to this great artist. Threading her way through the crowd, she finally reached him. Shaking his hand, she said exuberantly, “Oh, I’d give my life if I could play like that!” He promptly responded, “Madam, I have!”

Much of what we do or do not do in life is determined by our ability to discipline ourselves. This discipline includes doing things that are hard or difficult as well as not doing other things.

“One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it.” ~Terrance D. Olson

Some things about our bodies are easy to control, and others are more difficult. For example, we have good control over our fingers. If we tell one of our fingers to bend, it bends. If we tell it to unbend, it unbends. If we give our feet an order, they obey immediately. Suggest that we can also learn to choose which thoughts we will entertain, and thus learn to channel our thoughts in positive, constructive directions.

Many people do not believe they can control their thoughts and discipline themselves. But our minds can concentrate on only one thought at a time. We can exert control over our thoughts by choosing to think a different one. Some feel this kind of discipline is unnecessary, too difficult, or not worth the effort.

“Some become enslaved with compulsive habits or yield to appetites or to improper actions, and plead that they are helpless before their habit—that they are compelled, persuaded; that temptation was stronger than their will to resist. But we can choose. … We can break bad habits; we can acquire good habits; we can choose what we think by the sheer determination to do so.” ~Richard L. Evans

Acknowledge that it is hard to control ourselves, but it is something we can learn to do. Our Father in Heaven has told us to keep our thoughts, appetites, and emotions within certain bounds. As our Father, he would not ask us to do something that we are not capable of doing. We are his children. We have the capacity to become like him.

Whether we are learning to play a musical instrument, trying to control our temper, or making ourselves get up when we would rather sleep longer, our efforts to discipline ourselves in any aspect of our lives can help us in our efforts to live a virtuous life.

“A missionary serving in the eastern United States was confronted by a college student who was less interested in the [gospel] message than in the missionary’s strict moral code. The student sneeringly asked the missionary how he controlled his desires when there were so many beautiful girls around, implying that the missionary must not [have normal feelings]. The elder explained: ‘It is not that I am abnormal; it is that I know I am responsible and in charge of mind and body. You think you are helpless in the face of your desires. You think you are a victim of them. I have proven to myself that I am the master of those feelings’. ” ~Terrance D. Olson

Being morally clean and virtuous requires physical restraint and self-control. As we exercise self-discipline, we strengthen our spirit’s control over our body. Our capacity to control ourselves increases every time we make a choice to do it.

Last night Te came home from his support group meeting, and told me that he had acted out saturday night. I was hurt that he hadn't told me about it sooner, but one day is much sooner than what he has managed in the past. I was really sad for him. He felt awful. We talked about how we teach youth to have a plan. Decide now whether you are going to smoke or not, or date before you are 16, then when you are confronted, you have already made your choice and it is much easier to avoid getting into trouble. We talked about how he can decide now what he will do next time it is late at night and he can't sleep. He will wake me up. He's already decided so that next time he doesn't have to think about what he will do.

I remember our counselor said that sometimes relapses will happen, and that is important not to dwell on them so much that it makes it hard to "start over". We're just continuing on.

Te really wants to overcome this. I know he does. It's just not easy.

I was kind of upset for awhile, and immediately after he told me, I had the thought "I don't want to do this again" speed through my mind. I think it's satan trying to make me give up. When I stopped and said a prayer, I realized that the relapse was much less serious than past relapses have been (not that that excuses it), Te didn't get on the computer or turn on the TV, and he told me about it the next day. He could have kept it in and lied to me about it, but he didn't. It's progress.

Peace

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:26-27

I think everyone would like to feel peace in their lives. My church published a gospel reference book called True To The Faith (it's a really good, easy to understand guide to all sorts of topics) anyway, the True to the Faith book says something interesting about peace. The mere absence of conflict is not enough to bring peace to our hearts. Peace comes through the gospel—through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the ministration of the Holy Ghost, and our own righteousness, sincere repentance, and diligent service.

Even when the world is in turmoil all around you, you can receive the blessing of inner peace. This blessing will continue with you as you stay true to your testimony of the gospel and as you remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you and watch over you.

I have said before that sometimes I don't want to have to deal with Te's addiction. I want to wish it away and never think about it again. Besides being impossible, wishing away the struggles I deal with will not guarantee the peace I am in search of. I think that turning to the Lord, and letting him help me through this has been a huge blessing in my life. It has made me realize that it's okay to admit that I can't do everything on my own. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but I don't need to let that feeling consume me. I can turn to Heavenly Father. I can become closer to him, and he will lighten the load that I have to carry. He will bring peace to my soul even when there is so much around me that could drive peace away.

No one has a guarantee of an easy life. I think it's safe to say that we are all guaranteed struggles of some sort. I truly believe that if we are obedient to the commandments that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we can avoid so much pain. He has provided a road map to return to him. All we have to do is obey. Every time we step off the path, we cause ourselves extra pain and extra struggles. It's not necessary. That's not to say that staying on the path will preserve us from challenges. Life is hard, but we can make it easier if we are obedient.

I've been having a hard time thinking about that in relation to Te. He made bad choices. He has caused himself, and his family so much unnecessary pain, but his bad choices started at such a young age that it seems unfair to blame him for something that he felt was out of his control for so long. What a blessing to have the atonement. I have always been grateful that the savior, a real person, would choose to go through so much suffering to give people like Te (and people like me) a chance to change.

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ~John 14:26-27

More good days

We had a nice labor day weekend. I spent some time alone with Te's mom. We were camping, and I was helping her make dinner one afternoon. She asked how things were going. I think she would like to feel more involved. The sisters-in-law have our discussions about things, but she has been left out a little bit.

I told her that things were going well. I told her about my experience with Te where I was really nervous, and told him that I couldn't handle being lied too again right now, so if there was anything he needed to tell me, to please do it now, and how he said that he had nothing to hide. (sorry about the run on sentence...)

That made her feel good, and she told me several times how glad she was that I was sticking with him and being so understanding. I think she is really afraid that one of the daughters-in-law would divorce her son because of their addiction. I told her that it was hard sometimes, but that I loved Te, and that we were working on things. I said that there is never a guarantee that life will be easy. There's no guarantee that life would be any better without Te, and I do think that it would be much harder in many ways.

Life doesn't need to be better. It's pretty good right now. We've had a long weekend of good days too add to the collection.