Talked out...

On Rufus' blog, he mentioned feeling talked out sometimes.

You may have noticed that I will post several posts and then go awhile without posting anything. That's why. I talk about it with Te. I talk about it with my sisters-in-law. I talk about it on my blog. Sometimes I just want to not talk about it, so I take breaks. Thanks for sticking with me even when I don't post regularly. I appreciate everyone's support. It is amazing to me that there are other people in my same situation who have started blogs recently. It's nice to have this extra support group. I feel like you are all good friends that I have known for a long time, instead of strangers on the internet.

I've been worried about Te since school started. He's been so busy and sleep deprived that we haven't had a chance to talk much. We have been reading the scriptures together every day though, and praying together most every day. On the days we miss, I call him and ask him if he said his own prayer, and tell him that I did too.

Last night we were able to talk for a little while and I told him that I didn't know if I could handle him lying to me anymore. Between being hormonal and pregnant, not feeling well, and not getting enough sleep, I just feel like I'm at a breaking point. I told him if he had anything he needed to tell me, to please tell me now, because I can't handle being lied to right now.

He looked at me with a sweet smile, and said that he had nothing to hide from me. A wave of relief rushed through me. I believe him. He's been busy, and stressed, but he really wants to overcome his addiction. I want to get to a point where I don't doubt him so much. I guess it will just take time. And constant repeating of "trust in the lord..." I say that a lot to myself.

He is such a good man. We just had our 7th anniversary, and I am so glad to have my life with him. He is my best friend. He puts up with an amazing amount from me, for which I am grateful. :)

I love you Te.

Trust Issues

Te did not do as well reporting to me this week. I think it's just hard for him to report details when he feels like he is doing okay.

He talked to the bishop on sunday and came home to tell me about it and one of the things he said was that he told the bishop that this week has been really hard. He's had some really strong, random attacks. He didn't act on them thankfully, but he said it was really hard.

It kind of bothered me that he didn't tell me about them when they happened. I think he recognizes that I need to know about that sort of thing, life's just been a little crazy with his school schedule. Between that and having rushed mornings trying to get our son to school on time, we haven't been praying together every morning. When he is gone to school at night, I'm often asleep (or really out of it) when he gets home, so we don't read our scriptures or pray together on those nights.

I'm starting to think that not only are those things helpful for him to control his temptations, but they are necessary for me to avoid doubting him so much. I called him at work three times today to make sure he was doing okay. I've just gotten really nervous that he is hiding something from me, and I don't like feeling this way.

At his appointment with the bishop, the bishop assigned him to write down why he wants to change, what his goals are, and what his testimony means to him. He said that as soon as Te does that, they can meet again to talk about the next step of his recovery.

Today I was thinking about that and had this scripture come into my head: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Maybe I don't feel completely able to trust him all the time, but I can trust the Lord. I need to pray and read the scriptures even when Te is not home to do it with me. I'm not just changing habits to help him, I'm changing my habits too, because I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.

Knowing I can always trust Heavenly Father brings me a huge sense of peace.

Back to school

Yesterday was Te's first night of school. He came home from work, ate dinner with us and left. He got home late. This is going to be a rough 2 years. He's gone again tonight, but today he came home from work a little earlier and had a nap while I sat with him on the couch. He had eaten a really late lunch with his boss at work so he wasn't hungry. He left while the kids and I were eating dinner. He cooked for us though. I feel bad about whining to him about how lousy I feel, but he's been really good about it. It's his pregnancy too I guess, share the misery. :)

Right now the kids are in the bath because while I wasn't watching, they spread ketchup all over themselves (which I'll admit is funny, but less so when you are the one that has to clean it up and your sense of smell is magnified 1000 times and ketchup smells really nasty- but it's my fault...I should never have left them alone with the jumbo ketchup bottle).

The kids go to bed pretty early, so we really only have another hour or so until bedtime, this might be a long bath.

Te said he had a good day at work today. A few minor thoughts, but nothing that was difficult for him to move past. He was pretty busy all day, which always helps.

He said that the way his classes are organized, he doesn't have a chance to get into trouble on the internet, so that's good. I was a little concerned about that, which is why we have the spectorsoft program on his laptop.

Another good day.

Priesthood Blessings

Te and I are expecting our third child. We actually put off trying for a month or so since that was the time I found out about his last relapse and was a little upset. After Te had seen the bishop, and gone to the support group, and I had time to calm down, I felt like I was ready for another baby, and that I wouldn't be risking another child's chance at a two-parent home.

Anyway, I have been sick. Not throw-up constantly sick, but I-wish-I-could-just-throw-up-because-I-would-feel-better sick. I hate throwing up, so that is a huge thing.

Last night I really wanted Te to give me a blessing, and he couldn't. It was really hard, and I cried until Te, who was trying to be supportive, started saying "it's okay, let it all out, go ahead and cry", which made me laugh.

I told Te this morning why I was crying last night and I think it made him feel really bad, but we agreed that as soon as he is able to, he will give me a blessing.

I can hardly wait.

We've had enough good days that I've lost count.

Roller Coaster

The longer that Te stays away from pornography, the better I feel. The better I feel, the more nervous I get. The times I have caught him in the past have always followed fairly closely to me telling myself, "boy is life good, I am so happy".

I like the ride up. No relapses is a really nice thing, but unlike a real roller coaster, the ride down is not fun. I don't want to do it again. I guess I am just so used to the crashing down part, that it's hard to remember that life doesn't HAVE to come with that part.

Last night Te went to the support group for the first time in a month or so (because of traveling). He said it was good. I asked him if anybody missed him and he said no. There are so many people that come and go, that they don't really notice who is there and who is missing, which seems really sad. First, that there are so many people who go once and then stop going, and second that there are so many people there period, that people don't know each other better.

Te made some notes about viewing women as sex objects and how he still really struggles with that. It's hard to read about things like that, but I guess when you are exposed to pornography for so long, it gets ingrained. He said that his goal this week is to study topics like "divine nature", "individual worth", and others that were not in the young women theme, so I can't remember them off hand.

I think I mentioned his new lap top that he got for school. I am not familiar with how PC's work, but I was still able to find where to set the parental controls. (maybe I mentioned it already...) EDITED TO ADD: Well, the parental controls don't work. If he's using firefox, they don't block out anything (not that he tried any bad sites) and with Internet Explorer he can't open any website at all (because they are not rated or something).

Te also said that he signed a contract with the school, that they can check his computer (or anyone in the program's computer) and if there is anything questionable that could damage the computer he will get kicked out of his program. I guess that's a little extra motivation to not use that laptop for pornography.

Perserverence

Today in sunday school, the lesson was on Job. There were some things about Job and the way he dealt with his trials that seemed applicable to people struggling with addictions.

Even at his lowest point, Job did not give up. Job 23:10-12 says: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined. Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips, I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food. Job stayed strong and committed to obeying the Lord even when he must have felt worthless and forsaken. I think it's interesting that Job recognized that all of his trials would make him stronger as long as he stayed true to the things he believed.

In Job 1, he loses his oxen and ass, then he loses his sheep, and his camels, and finally his children. After all of this he mourned, but did not blame God for his afflictions. Even Job's friends thought that he must have done something horrible to be punished in such a huge way, so they deserted him too.

Job's afflictions were not punishment for a wrong he had committed, they were a test to strengthen him.

I don't think addictions can be viewed as something that necessarily strengthens us, I think it's the fighting to overcome the addiction that strengthens us. Te could have continued forever in his addiction without ever growing or learning anything from it. It's now that he is fighting it that he feels the help from Heavenly Father. He has learned to rely on Heavenly Father instead of his own strength. How many years went by with him telling himself that he could do it himself, and that he didn't need to upset me by telling me about his problem? It never worked. He had to let go of the pride he had and admit that he needed help. A lot of it.

It won't be easy. Job's trials were not easy, but look at what happened when he stayed strong and faithful. Job 42:12 says that the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning. I truly believe that if Te stays strong and never gives up, but continues to trust in Heavenly Father, that he will end like Job, with an end greater than the beginning.

“Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” --Russell M. Nelson

This is a letter that Te typed up for his brothers. They have started their own support group and have decided to use the 12 steps provided by the church's addiction recovery program. Here is his take on step one (it's reading things like this that really give me hope)... I have edited it for typos (he loves it when I do that) and shortened it a little, although not much- it's still long, but worth reading.

This is my third time in trying to overcome this addiction. It has not been a fun way of overcoming. In retrospect, I don’t think that I ever was fully committed to stopping my addiction. There were things in my life in which I didn’t want to give up. Even after talking with our counselor, and “finishing” my progress with him, I still had a “longing” for my addiction. It was not fun to live a double life – and that was exactly what it was. I was telling Soph and everyone else around me that life was awesome – peachy, dandy, wonderful, great. But in reality, I was lying and not admitting the truth to myself – I WAS AN ADDICT! Nah, I can stop anytime I want – just go straight cold turkey and be good. It wasn’t that addictive. But the cycle would continue to go around and around. I would just go back and have the same feelings over and over. I would get an urge, seek out the computer, view pornography, feel ashamed, depressed, and then say the same thing over – I CAN CONQUER THIS THING! But the path kept on getting larger and larger.

This path had worn such a print on my brain that it is now immediate. I can feel those urges coming and I feel those some thought rush through my head – I HAVE TO FIND A COMPUTER. Those tendencies, in retrospect, surrendered my freedom to choose. I was less productive throughout the day, I spent way too much time on my computer, I didn’t complete tasks on time. I look at how many hours were wasted in viewing pornography and puke at the thoughts. What a complete waste of my life. MY life truly was not mine to control. It was under another influence. It was secretive and it was a problem that only I faced. It was mine to deal with, and so I had to do it all by myself.

But even as many people talked about it at church, the bishop, the EQ pres, the YM pres, or even at general conference from president Hinckley or some of the other people who gave talks, it didn’t affect me like it should. The spirit didn’t touch my heart like it should have been touched. But even with pointed counsel of talking to one’s bishop about the problem, I still had the misguided thought – “I can conquer this myself.” My freedom to choose was compromised.
Most days I don’t wake up and say to myself, “I am an addict.” But sometimes when I do go to work and sit at the computer for extended periods of time, I continually have to watch over myself and say that – “I am an addict.”

Again, in retrospect, I was too prideful to admit the obvious. Maybe it was the absence of the spirit to help me when I needed, but again that was my fault, too. “I am an addict” isn’t that hard to say but to mean is something more – at least to me. My title says, “addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” I had to think about that statement a while when I read it. It surrenders any hope of me subjecting myself to God’s will. The more that I get to know the entire 12-step process, it is just an extensive repentance process. This step basically says that I cannot do things by myself. I need more help. I need Soph’s help, I need you guys’ help, I need the help from my bishop, I need the help from the other guys in my support group, But more than anything, I need the help from Heavenly Father. How much of my life was spent doing everything that Heavenly Father did not want me to do – not having his spirit with me at all. It was horrible. I hide myself in a rock from the thought. It is just an excruciating thought that I want to let go forever.

I can say that this time is different. I know that Soph hates that saying. “How can you say that?” she would ask. Because this time I admit everything. I am an addict. I cannot and will not change unless I submit myself to Heavenly Father’s will. I have to say that. It is kind of corny, but saying, “I am an addict” does have some significance. It carries weight. It is admitting that you cannot control something. Think about that a little. You cannot control. All our lives, we want control. Whether it is to eat whatever we want, pick the cartoon we ant to see on Saturday morning, pick whatever we want to wear for school, when to wake up – we want control. We want to be able to control ever aspect of our life. But when you admit that you are an addict, what exactly are you doing? You are admitting that you cannot control your life. You are submitting your will to someone else’s. You are turning over a new leaf. You are becoming a new creature.

Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and…becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…wiling to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

You know, some times my son wants to drink root beer every meal, in between meals, and right before bed. He wants to watch TV all the time and wear some funny looking things to church. Do we as parents let him do those things? Soph and I as parents have certain rules in which he needs to submit. He does them, most of the time grudgingly, but he does do them. We need to do the same thing. Although it may be grudgingly, we still need to do some things that we may not want to do.
At first, in talking with my counselor and Soph, he asked why I was changing. What was the reason for me wanting to stop view pornography? I told him that it was almost all for Soph. I could not see her look at me any other way other than a wonderful husband. But now, that is only part of my reason. I want to change for me, myself, and my family. I want to have an eternal family and Soph can’t do that by herself, nor me by myself, but together.

So I want to change, I have to change, and the first step in becoming a new creature is admitting to myself, to you all, and to Heavenly Father that I am an addict. I cannot change by myself and I need help. I need your help. I need Soph’s help. I need Heavenly Father’s help. I need help. I cannot do it by myself.

I married a good man. A good man with a major problem, but still, a very good man.

Surges

Te has not had a relapse since May, I think. We've been traveling a lot this summer, so he hasn't really had a chance to get on a computer by himself. Now that he is back at work regularly, I'm nervous. I ask him every day, and he tells me most days, that it "wasn't a problem today". Somedays he tells me that it was hard, but he changed what he was doing or just "let go of the impulse". I think it makes me more nervous when he tells me that it wasn't a problem. It makes me wonder if he is lying about it. My nervousness seems to come in surges. Something will happen which makes me feel confident that he is being honest and that he's still fighting, and then he doesn't struggle as much at work, which makes me nervous. I guess I should be glad that he is not constantly being bombarded by temptations, but this whole situation really stinks. :)

I'm pretty sure I believe him. I want to believe him. He says that this time he really feels like it's something that he has to do for himself, for his own salvation, instead of just not wanting to hurt me. I hope that is true.

He's starting graduate school next week, and for the program, he gets a new laptop. Wonderful, like we need another computer that he has sole access too, and he will have it at school with him in the evenings. I'm very nervous. His work computer has the Spectorsoft program on it, so I can check what he has been looking at. His work laptop (don't ask me why we have so many computers...we keep inheriting them) has parental controls set on in so that he can only get online to a specific set of websites that I have pre-approved. I don't think he can change the controls without my password, which he would never guess because it is so random. :)

I think we're going to get the spectorsoft program on his new laptop too. A caution for him, and a huge relief for me.

Visitors

I noticed there are some new people visiting my blog. Don't be shy, speak up.

I know pornography addiction can be a difficult thing to talk about, but I can't tell you how cathartic it has been for me to be able type out my thoughts and set them free into cyberspace.

I hope that the things I say are helpful to others, and I can guarantee you, that should anyone choose to comment here, It would help me.

It's always nice to be reminded that we are not alone, that other people feel what we feel and struggle with the things we struggle with.

Te forwarded an email to me that one of his brothers had sent to him, and it mentioned his mom feeling really guilty about not preventing pornography addictions in her sons. Here's part of the email I sent her:

I just want you to know that I love you and don't want you to feel responsible. As parents we can always second guess ourselves and think maybe things would have been different if we had done certain things. Maybe they would have, and maybe they wouldn't have. I don't think anyone had any idea of how serious this problem would be back when the internet was new. You were and are a wonderful mother (and grandmother), and I am so thankful for the way you raised Te. He is a good, kind man. He knows how to work hard, and he knows what is right.

He may have problems choosing what is right in this one area, but he knows that it isn't what he wants for his life, and we are working on it (and it's been two months of good days now!).

I just wanted you to know that I do not blame you for Te's problems. I love you and am grateful to be a part of your family.

And part of her reply:

Your note makes me feel so much better. We parents take on so much of our children's grief and problems. I wonder what I should have done differently in raising my family. I contiinue to wonder if I'm doing the right things. I think I did the best I could under the circumstances and given the same set of circumstances, I probably wouldn't do anything differently. So, I guess I did the best I could. Thank you so much for understanding.

Thanks, too, for loving Teague. We couldn't have ordered a better wife for him. You are just what he needs and he does need you. He loves you so much and I know he wants to do what's right. I pray for you both. I pray that your heart will heal and you can feel trust and confidence. I pray that Teague will live worthy of your trust. I know he can do it. I appreciate
your patience with him.

Thanks again for the lovely note. I love you.

I have a really good mother-in-law, and I feel bad that she is dealing with this kind of all at once. When I married Te, I asked her how she had managed to raise so many good, spiritual men, and she said "I was blessed". I still think she was blessed. Her sons are all good men, with varying degrees of a serious problem. It just goes to show, that even "perfect-looking" families have problems. No one is free from pain or sorrow. I am grateful for the gospel that teaches us to hope for what we may not be able to accomplish right now. If we put our trust in our Heavenly Father, he will bless us and help us to reach the things we cannot reach on our own.