“Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” --Russell M. Nelson

This is a letter that Te typed up for his brothers. They have started their own support group and have decided to use the 12 steps provided by the church's addiction recovery program. Here is his take on step one (it's reading things like this that really give me hope)... I have edited it for typos (he loves it when I do that) and shortened it a little, although not much- it's still long, but worth reading.

This is my third time in trying to overcome this addiction. It has not been a fun way of overcoming. In retrospect, I don’t think that I ever was fully committed to stopping my addiction. There were things in my life in which I didn’t want to give up. Even after talking with our counselor, and “finishing” my progress with him, I still had a “longing” for my addiction. It was not fun to live a double life – and that was exactly what it was. I was telling Soph and everyone else around me that life was awesome – peachy, dandy, wonderful, great. But in reality, I was lying and not admitting the truth to myself – I WAS AN ADDICT! Nah, I can stop anytime I want – just go straight cold turkey and be good. It wasn’t that addictive. But the cycle would continue to go around and around. I would just go back and have the same feelings over and over. I would get an urge, seek out the computer, view pornography, feel ashamed, depressed, and then say the same thing over – I CAN CONQUER THIS THING! But the path kept on getting larger and larger.

This path had worn such a print on my brain that it is now immediate. I can feel those urges coming and I feel those some thought rush through my head – I HAVE TO FIND A COMPUTER. Those tendencies, in retrospect, surrendered my freedom to choose. I was less productive throughout the day, I spent way too much time on my computer, I didn’t complete tasks on time. I look at how many hours were wasted in viewing pornography and puke at the thoughts. What a complete waste of my life. MY life truly was not mine to control. It was under another influence. It was secretive and it was a problem that only I faced. It was mine to deal with, and so I had to do it all by myself.

But even as many people talked about it at church, the bishop, the EQ pres, the YM pres, or even at general conference from president Hinckley or some of the other people who gave talks, it didn’t affect me like it should. The spirit didn’t touch my heart like it should have been touched. But even with pointed counsel of talking to one’s bishop about the problem, I still had the misguided thought – “I can conquer this myself.” My freedom to choose was compromised.
Most days I don’t wake up and say to myself, “I am an addict.” But sometimes when I do go to work and sit at the computer for extended periods of time, I continually have to watch over myself and say that – “I am an addict.”

Again, in retrospect, I was too prideful to admit the obvious. Maybe it was the absence of the spirit to help me when I needed, but again that was my fault, too. “I am an addict” isn’t that hard to say but to mean is something more – at least to me. My title says, “addiction surrenders later freedom to choose.” I had to think about that statement a while when I read it. It surrenders any hope of me subjecting myself to God’s will. The more that I get to know the entire 12-step process, it is just an extensive repentance process. This step basically says that I cannot do things by myself. I need more help. I need Soph’s help, I need you guys’ help, I need the help from my bishop, I need the help from the other guys in my support group, But more than anything, I need the help from Heavenly Father. How much of my life was spent doing everything that Heavenly Father did not want me to do – not having his spirit with me at all. It was horrible. I hide myself in a rock from the thought. It is just an excruciating thought that I want to let go forever.

I can say that this time is different. I know that Soph hates that saying. “How can you say that?” she would ask. Because this time I admit everything. I am an addict. I cannot and will not change unless I submit myself to Heavenly Father’s will. I have to say that. It is kind of corny, but saying, “I am an addict” does have some significance. It carries weight. It is admitting that you cannot control something. Think about that a little. You cannot control. All our lives, we want control. Whether it is to eat whatever we want, pick the cartoon we ant to see on Saturday morning, pick whatever we want to wear for school, when to wake up – we want control. We want to be able to control ever aspect of our life. But when you admit that you are an addict, what exactly are you doing? You are admitting that you cannot control your life. You are submitting your will to someone else’s. You are turning over a new leaf. You are becoming a new creature.

Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and…becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…wiling to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

You know, some times my son wants to drink root beer every meal, in between meals, and right before bed. He wants to watch TV all the time and wear some funny looking things to church. Do we as parents let him do those things? Soph and I as parents have certain rules in which he needs to submit. He does them, most of the time grudgingly, but he does do them. We need to do the same thing. Although it may be grudgingly, we still need to do some things that we may not want to do.
At first, in talking with my counselor and Soph, he asked why I was changing. What was the reason for me wanting to stop view pornography? I told him that it was almost all for Soph. I could not see her look at me any other way other than a wonderful husband. But now, that is only part of my reason. I want to change for me, myself, and my family. I want to have an eternal family and Soph can’t do that by herself, nor me by myself, but together.

So I want to change, I have to change, and the first step in becoming a new creature is admitting to myself, to you all, and to Heavenly Father that I am an addict. I cannot change by myself and I need help. I need your help. I need Soph’s help. I need Heavenly Father’s help. I need help. I cannot do it by myself.

I married a good man. A good man with a major problem, but still, a very good man.