Surges

Te has not had a relapse since May, I think. We've been traveling a lot this summer, so he hasn't really had a chance to get on a computer by himself. Now that he is back at work regularly, I'm nervous. I ask him every day, and he tells me most days, that it "wasn't a problem today". Somedays he tells me that it was hard, but he changed what he was doing or just "let go of the impulse". I think it makes me more nervous when he tells me that it wasn't a problem. It makes me wonder if he is lying about it. My nervousness seems to come in surges. Something will happen which makes me feel confident that he is being honest and that he's still fighting, and then he doesn't struggle as much at work, which makes me nervous. I guess I should be glad that he is not constantly being bombarded by temptations, but this whole situation really stinks. :)

I'm pretty sure I believe him. I want to believe him. He says that this time he really feels like it's something that he has to do for himself, for his own salvation, instead of just not wanting to hurt me. I hope that is true.

He's starting graduate school next week, and for the program, he gets a new laptop. Wonderful, like we need another computer that he has sole access too, and he will have it at school with him in the evenings. I'm very nervous. His work computer has the Spectorsoft program on it, so I can check what he has been looking at. His work laptop (don't ask me why we have so many computers...we keep inheriting them) has parental controls set on in so that he can only get online to a specific set of websites that I have pre-approved. I don't think he can change the controls without my password, which he would never guess because it is so random. :)

I think we're going to get the spectorsoft program on his new laptop too. A caution for him, and a huge relief for me.