Trust Issues
Te did not do as well reporting to me this week. I think it's just hard for him to report details when he feels like he is doing okay.
He talked to the bishop on sunday and came home to tell me about it and one of the things he said was that he told the bishop that this week has been really hard. He's had some really strong, random attacks. He didn't act on them thankfully, but he said it was really hard.
It kind of bothered me that he didn't tell me about them when they happened. I think he recognizes that I need to know about that sort of thing, life's just been a little crazy with his school schedule. Between that and having rushed mornings trying to get our son to school on time, we haven't been praying together every morning. When he is gone to school at night, I'm often asleep (or really out of it) when he gets home, so we don't read our scriptures or pray together on those nights.
I'm starting to think that not only are those things helpful for him to control his temptations, but they are necessary for me to avoid doubting him so much. I called him at work three times today to make sure he was doing okay. I've just gotten really nervous that he is hiding something from me, and I don't like feeling this way.
At his appointment with the bishop, the bishop assigned him to write down why he wants to change, what his goals are, and what his testimony means to him. He said that as soon as Te does that, they can meet again to talk about the next step of his recovery.
Today I was thinking about that and had this scripture come into my head: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Maybe I don't feel completely able to trust him all the time, but I can trust the Lord. I need to pray and read the scriptures even when Te is not home to do it with me. I'm not just changing habits to help him, I'm changing my habits too, because I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.
Knowing I can always trust Heavenly Father brings me a huge sense of peace.
posted by Alice @ 2:54 PM
10 Comments:
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I finished reading your post. You have a great attitude. It has a very encouraging and sweet spirit.
Tomhhhh
I appreciate everyone who comments on my blog to share and to support, but the post I removed had too much personal information for my comfort.
I've been having a hard time learning to trust my husband completely. It's just so hard when we have to go through this so many times with them. I keep hoping this time will be different, but it is so hard for me to believe.
I recently talked with my mom about this because my dad had the same problem a few times throughout their marriage. My mom has a really good attitude about it. Even though she doesn't know for sure if he has ever slipped again or ever will slip again she doesn't let it affect her. She basically told me that she feels it is between him and the Lord and if he chooses to sin and not confess then it will be on his shoulders not hers.
I think she has come to realize that she can't spend her life trying to make someone else change and worrying every minute what he is doing. All she can do is work on becoming a better person herself and continue to love and support my father and hope that he will follow her example and want to change too so they can be together after this life.
I really liked what you said about putting our trust in the Lord. That if we can't always trust our husbands at least we know that we can always trust the Lord. As long as we work on staying close to Him that He will help us make it through our struggles and help us to know how we can best support our husbands as well.
I am sorry about sharing too much personnel information. Please forgive me.
It's okay. I'd just like to avoid stuff that could lead to any not-so-good thoughts if my husband were to read it.
Thanks
Recovery can be pretty open about what goes on out there and what others struggle with. It's true that some times an idea might come from someone else. But in my opinion it's insulation not isolation. I mean you have to be wise and learn what relapse prevention is. You have to learn to avoid areas and situations etc. For example...I can not go to parks.
Has he attended recovery meeting yet through the church? 12 step groups? You know they are all over Utah. I shared my last frustrating slip at one of my last meetings. It helped to be open about it. The meetings do not focus on behavior too much but testimony and desire to overcome and live the gospel. It is very strengthening. But it is open about individual struggle. Would it bother you if he attended a meeting where I said exactly what I shared with you?
I remember a period of time where my wife was so angry that she had to even know about this plague. That is understandable. But it is not realistic. It is pain to abhore something and then find out that someone you love struggles with it. But understanding it and being aware of the enemy is the antedote to denial. My mother has had a hard time believing that I would really have this problem or deviate from the gospel.
The journey is hard!!! Sometimes I think it's even harder for the spouse.
You will learn more about codepency. It can make ya a little crazy at times. But the goal is to get to the point where you can talk about anything. Not protect or worry to the point where it changes you. You need to be able to say what bothers you. You need to be able to say "I really don't appreciate you watching that video". or for example "this guy posted on my blog today and it made me feel weird...tell me what you think about it."
Hope I am not crossing any lines here. I don't mean to.
He does go to the group meetings. From what he has said, they do try to avoid talking about specific events.
I was just uncomfortable having what you said on my blog.
I am sorry if it hurt your feelings.
This is a hard thing to deal with. Sometimes, I think that I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't. But it's not like I have any other options. We just keep going, doing the best that we can.
Again I am sorry. I know that this is hard for you. It doesn't seem fair. I hope that you can find strength and guidance through this evil. It feels like death to face it.
Sometimes I think that it isn't fair that I have to deal with this.
I look at people with more obvious trials in their life, and wonder if they have hidden trials too. Outwardly, I'm sure that my life looks just about perfect.
Sometimes I think that a different trial would be easier for me to deal with, but, we don't get to pick.
We get what we get, and our job is to do the best with what we have.
I'm feeling hopeful today. I hope everyone else is too.
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